wherever i like

2011-07-05T02:09:00.001+08:00

Backing up the files in my laptop.
And I found a folder of my Dad’s thumbdrive files…
Looking through his files, I don’t know what I’m hoping to find.
Maybe a note, or a letter.
Or just some piece of information, to know my Dad, a little better than I did.

Its been a year and a half.
But I guess these things don’t fade away.
I can still remember the events, so vividly. And the feelings, so intensely.
And him. So perfectly.

I remember the last him so well. His greyed hair, his belly, and his light-hearted laughter.
I remember the younger him, with his jet-black hair with just a few strands of silvers (which I excitedly plucked for him) and his jet-black moustache. He was the handsomest man I knew.

But somehow, I can’t seem to remember those days in between.
The days I was probably a bit of a rebel, plus things weren’t going too good at home, and he was probably keeping himself busy with work.

I really hate that I knew him so little, and I hate that I didn’t make his life happier than it could have been. And I know, he deserves SO. MUCH. MORE.

I found his resume, and his experience started way back, from 1977. I can’t help but think, so fucking what?

We work. We climb the corporate ladder. We try so hard to win. And then we get somewhere, or not. So fucking what? Did we slog so hard for 30 years just to get there, and in the meantime, drift away from loved ones? We spend a large part of our lives, learning how to win… But oh what we have lost. Time. Precious time. To learn about the people we love. To grow old together with your loved ones, and to watch your babies grow up.

I’m not blaming my Dad at all. I am certain, that we all had a part to play. And I am sure he tried, and he was the one who got the least of what he deserved amongst us.

I don’t know how to end this.

By the way, I got a tattoo. Of his name, on my back. Before I actually went to get it done, I told my best friends that I was gonna do it. They said, they don’t get it, as in, they don’t understand why people get tattoos. Why would you need to get a tattoo when he’s already in your heart?

I guess when someone you know you’ll love for your entire life is really gone, you just want to grasp every little thing that can possibly keep a part of him with you. Could be an item, a letter or a note, a photo. Something that helps you hold on to his spirit, forever. I thought a tattoo, is apt. But I guess, it will never be enough.

My life as it is, right now

2011-06-06T23:20:00.001+08:00

Know what I really hate about my life right now?

I hate the monotony. The torture of dragging myself out of bed every morning at 8am. The daily realisation of not being passionate and not feeling the ownership about what I'm working for. The lack of time to have a better work-life balance without feeling like a zombie or feeling guilty.

I miss being jobless and answerable to nobody but myself. Being in control of my time and allowing things to wait till tomorrow. I miss all those late nights and knowing I can sleep in the next day.

Oh sigh. Is this what life is all about forever and ever?

Life

2011-05-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

So much time have come and gone… Feelings have changed, people have moved on, babies have been born, and lives gone… Some people have distanced and faded from my live, and new people have entered…

Things that happened 3, 5 or 7 years ago, sometimes they feel just like yesterday. But when I think about it, wow, how much we have all been through! But how I’m still very much the same person, despite everything that’s happened. And I survived.

Yet why do I still feel like I’m still a baby to life? So much still to see and experience. To learn. Still feel like I’ve got so much to lose, and despite what my peers might think about me -- the one with a care-free soul, albeit a little too careless at times -- I do think I’m still too careful with life.

So afraid to step out. Out of my comfort zone, to unknown places. So afraid of being alone, or being hurt. Always believing that the stars are unattainable.

But I’m running out of time, am I not? The prime time of my life had unknowingly trudged passed me, and these days I’m often caught by surprised my peers are so well-settled in their jobs and on their way to their great big careers.

And I am still here. Back at zero. Well, almost.

I think I have finally found my calling though. And I think I finally know my path, and I can almost make out what’s lying ahead of me. Or rather, the path that I’m paving ahead, for myself.

So, here’s to me. Good luck and GO ME!

Almost a year

2011-01-03T20:22:00.001+08:00

Visited Dad today.

And I wasn't expecting to be affected. But I choked. I cried. Even though she didn't.

I think what really gets me is hearing her talk to a photo as if it was him, as if he was standing right in front of us, like he never left. And being there just brings back the feelings from one year back.

And I can never forget that feeling. Nor the feeling I get from my relationship with my Papa. Indescribable, irreplaceable.

I love and miss you Papa. And I always will.

2010-11-12T16:39:00.001+08:00

And so he sent me an email
An email of gratitude and apologies for the past 3 years.

Maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything anymore
But I think my heart just broke a little reading it.

It's not that you still mean anything to me.
You don't.
It's that I've taken everything you say to NOT mean a thing that's sad.

Oh well. Read it twice over and deleted it.

KTV

2010-10-14T00:28:00.001+08:00

Finally, after weeks and weeks of postponing, I finally went KTV!
But somebody was tired, so we left early.
Never sing until shiok leh!

Heh.
I really like singing,
and I really wish I could sing.

Music is great :D

Memories

2010-10-11T17:30:00.001+08:00

I think memories are important.

The things you see and the experiences you go through make you who you are
But sometimes, you can't put words to feelings you get from a certain moment and situation
or there's a delayed effect
Such that later on in life, you don't remember which was the incident that gave a certain element to your character, or your perspective on life or issues.
Or it might change a relationship.

And when you wanna fix something, sometimes, it might just boil down to that very moment
to undo all the damage, or to eliminate the what has gone bad beyond repair.

You know, somewhat like how Dumbledore was trying to get that memory out of Horace Slughorn.

I think you get my drift now.

Anyways, I finally got down to packing last week.
I know it’s always gonna be hard once it gets to one particular box, so I shall not get there just yet.
Cleared some stuff off my shelf and table
and this surfaced.

X gave this to me, for my 18th birthday, if I remember correctly.

For about a year, this sat proud on my shelf.
If I’m not wrong, this is the team that had 49 unbeaten games in the EPL.

I haven’t been following soccer, or Arsenal, closely for the past couple of years.
Partly because I’ve been rather busy, and partly because I don’t have people who’d watch soccer with me regularly anymore.
And sad to say, one last reason, though I’m ashamed to admit it, is that the team’s no longer the same. And the quality of the game is different.

I miss my favourite team.
It’s not only because they won every game, but because they had the drive to want to do it, to believe that they can do it. There’s always someone who would make the difference when the rest of the team were lucked out that day. Always.
And of course, the reason I fell for them. The way they played, the flair, the offensive football, the one-two passes, the through balls, the teamwork, the fast-flowing football. The beautiful goals.
I watched them with bated breath all the time, and almost every goal was beautiful.

I’m gonna rekindle my love for them now.
I shall put this up with pride in my new room when I move. Maybe make a couple of changes though.
Taylor. Gilberto. Wiltord. Henry. Campbell. Ljungberg. Bergkamp. Parlour. Vieira. Cole. Lauren. Pires.

Gilberto. One of the newest addition to the team then. He caught Wenger’s eyes during the 2002 World cup. And then he was our captain for a while.
Henry. An Arsenal legend without a doubt. Skillful, clever and brilliant player. He takes the game to a whole new level, gave the team confidence and was the one player that everyone believed Arsenal couldn’t do without.
Campbell. I’ve always felt that he was one of the few reliable defenders Arsenal had, so I was disappointed when he left. And then he came back, but then he left again. So, boo.
Ljungberg. He wasn’t bad on the field, but he definitely rocked in CK underwear. Hahaha!
Bergkamp, another legend. I’ll always remember that goal he scored against Newcastle.
Vieira. The captain that brought us glory. The playmaker and the pillar in the midfield.
Cole. Before he went to Chelsea and before we started calling him Cashley, I really did like him a lot as a left back. I love offensive play, and I love the way full backs are involved in the build up to the goals. He was great in speeding down the left flank with the ball, and IMO, Clichy hasn’t been as good as him.
Pires. Another goodlooking guy. Haha. Why didn’t he model any underwear too? Hahaha!

Alright, so here’s me decided.
I’m gonna fall in love with Arsenal all over again.
I’m gonna watch them every weekend, if I can.
Who’s with me!? :D

One year of fresh air

2010-09-28T14:10:00.001+08:00

Life's been good.
And when life's good, I find that I hardly have anything to blog about.

Maybe good things are really not meant to be shared. Haha. According to me.

And so, it’s been almost a year since I quit my job.
A year of bumming around, lazing around, travelling around.

I really should have blogged about my holidays everywhere, but I didn’t.
Maybe I’ll summarize all my trips in photos someday soon, maybe before I get a full time job.
Have been spending my afternoons lazing in bed, and god knows what else. I really don’t really remember. Gosh. About time I started working my brains.

Yeah, I’m currently looking for a job. Perhaps something related to video production, or marketing.
Browsing through jobsdb makes me depressed and realise that its about time I should get serious about life, and really try to figure out what I wanna do for the rest of my life.
I can’t be earning $2k per month and I don’t wanna eat $3 hawker centre food every single day for the rest of my life, so that I can own a car, and perhaps a house.
Yup, so good luck to me and my little dreams. For now.

Not that I’m looking forward to being in a job though.
I’m enjoying my life now, really.
And when I get a job, I don’t know how much things will change.
So I’m kinda taking it easy, praying for more freelance jobs to keep me going.
Haha. Slacker.

Other updates, my brother has decided to move out.
So that leaves my mother and I to this penthouse.
So, we’re gonna be moving out too, to somewhere smaller.
Probably moving in December, and I am looking forward to it.
New room, fresh start.
To my life, to my relationship with my mother.
Am already starting to think about what to put in my room. Hehe. Can’t wait :D

Other news,
I cut my hair. Short.
I think it’s gonna stay short for some time.
And I think I might just dye it, just for the heck of it.
The last time I dyed my hair was 7 years ago.

I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy, currently at season 3.
Not bad, I’m enjoying it.
My favourite characters are Dr Bailey and George.
They’re so very cute and funny! :D

That’s all for now. Toodles!

Updates & random rants

2010-07-13T02:59:00.001+08:00

Life IS a rollercoaster.

I think I really can't stand boredom.
Boredom makes me think too much.
I need to do something! I need to be on the go!
Otherwise I’ll just end up moody for no good reason :\

Supper with E a few nights ago.
I’m starting to think he’s a potential BFF.
No, wait, I thought that a few years back. So far, so good. :)
We’ve been friends for a decade now! WOW. We are getting old :(

Matters of the heart are a pain in the neck.
Can you stop a feeling?
Does it always have to go from good to gone?
Happily ever after… Is it possible? For me?
Nobody likes to be ‘just another’, right?
Who doesn’t wanna be special? Who doesn’t wanna be THE ONE for someone else?

The older we get, the more we go through, the less hopeful we are of finding perfection.

Whatever it is, I’m proud to say that my happiness no longer depends on anyone else
And I hope that it stays this way for a long long time.
I am happy now.

To love, or be loved.
I think I’d do it all over again.

Isn’t it so precious to find the right person for you?
And I thought I did.

But.

Revelation

2010-06-07T06:51:00.001+08:00

I miss my dad.
Somehow the past few days saw me missing him more than ever
And I wish I had more time with him
I wish I had spent more time with him while he was alive
And if I could turn back time to just a couple of months before he passed away, I would spend so many more of my days with him, and have so many more dinners with him

All i want is just a month or two
But it's too late
And I regret
Really regret.

If you knew you had this much time left with your loved ones, what would you do?
Do it today.
Because you never know what's gonna happen.

Regrets are useless.
So instead of lamenting about what I would have done if I had more time with dad
I'm gonna make a difference while i still do with mom.

I will talk to my mother soon.

My birthday dream

2010-06-06T02:09:00.001+08:00

I’m an idiot.

I spent the weeks before my birthday looking forward to this day
only because I’ve been hoping to dream of my Dad and talk to him.

After all, it’s my first birthday since he left us, and if he’s still somewhere, I believe he’d like to be here with me, at least for a while, or talk to me, or something, on my special day. Right? And it’d be the greatest gift ever for me, too.

I went to bed earlier than usual that night. I was excited.

I remember waking up several times throughout the night, realising that I have yet dreamt of him, so as quickly as I could, I fell back into deep slumber.

Then finally, it happened.

He looked young, he was in his early 30s. He told me his heart ached the most for me when he passed away, because he could hear my prayers for him, and how my heart ached for him as well. I couldn’t say a thing, but hugged him the tightest I could, and cried ‘Papa!! Papa…”

Then I woke up, sobbing! With tears streaming down my face!

Too fucking short!! I tried to go back to the same dream, but it was empty. That was all. :(

I had the whole afternoon to myself, and I spent it feeling upset with myself, and missing him more than ever. I tried to take an afternoon nap, but I couldn’t fall asleep and all I managed was tears on my pillow.

Why!? Why did I have to wake up so soon!? Was it really him? I tried to go back, but I really couldn’t! Was he waiting for me to return to that dream?

And why did I come up with this stupid wish, when whatever came true was perhaps just a figment of my imagination!? And how did I build up so much hope that it’ll turn out perfect, only to disappoint myself?

Sigh.

Money

2010-05-27T02:17:00.001+08:00

Money can buy you a house, but it can’t buy you a home
Money can buy you a clock, but it can’t buy you time
Money can buy you a bed, but it can’t buy you sleep
Money can buy you books, but it can’t buy you wisdom
Money can buy you medicine, but it can’t buy you health
Money can buy you status, but it can’t buy you respect
Money can buy you blood, but it can’t buy you life
Money can buy you sex, but it can’t buy you love.

Received this in a chinese sms from Crystal.
Thought its a good reminder for all of us on this earth.
Money is power, but it’s not happiness.

Up too late

2010-05-26T04:07:00.001+08:00

Oops

I think my bad sleeping habits are returning!
Have been waking up at almost 1pm since I returned from Sweden
and sleeping really late, like at 5am or even later
and its not even due to jetlag anymore, I think.

Have just been pretty occupied with the computer, msn, updating my phone, reading etc

And hell, I forgot I was supposed to wake up really early tomorrow morning for RDA, and it’s the last week for this batch of kids!
Have a feeling I’m just gonna hit my alarm clock off in the morning
and go back to dreamland.
I feel quite bad, cause I’ve already missed the last 2 sessions, cause I wasn’t in Singapore. :\

Anyway, it is officially over.
It’s been a looong struggle
and I’ve finally realised and been fully convinced that it’s not worth it anymore.
I have no regrets, because I know I’ve tried my best and done everything I could for the entire 3 years.
So I’m walking away from the one who had hurt me more than protected me in the past year, with my head held high.
I know I deserve so much better
and I will be so much better without him.

:)

Flower in the Attic

2010-05-21T19:52:00.001+08:00

That dream was to haunt me many a day, pleasantly. It gave me peace. It gave me knowledge I hadn’t had before. People never really died. They only went on to a better place, to wait a while for their loved ones to join them. And then once more they went back to the world, in the same way they had arrived the first time around.

Taken from Flowers in the Attic, by Virginia Andrews

Remember

2010-05-20T04:30:00.001+08:00

How come it doesn’t feel like so long ago
that Dad proudly showed me his collection of US Olympic Coins of the Atlanta Centennial Olympic Games
and asked me to check if it’s valuable in the market?

It really feels so recent
But no, it must have been at least 4+ months back.

This incident suddenly popped into my head when I was just looking in his cupboard for a multi power adapter, and spotted the coins.

Without these little objects, I might never remember all these little incidences because they were so insignificant.
Yet I want to remember them as much as I can, because he deserves it.
That’s why I’m recording it here everytime I remember/dream something.
He was a great father, but I don’t think I’ve given him the credit he deserves while he was alive.

God saw you were getting tired
And it was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you
And whispered,''come to me''.
With tearful eyes we watched you
And saw you pass away,
Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating
Hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

2010-05-19T17:32:00.001+08:00

I’m home!
Hungry & sleepy…
But I know I should resist sleeping otherwise I’m gonna worsen my jetlag.

Hmmm. Not sure if I can do that.

I dreamt of my dad again just now, when I was on the flight back, and I cried myself awake again.
Hahaha, but luckily I don’t think anyone noticed lah.

:\

Wishful thinking

2010-05-17T01:48:00.001+08:00

Taken from www.postsecret.blogspot.com

Time for confession.

Since my dad passed away, I’ve always hoped that he might be secretly alive somewhere else.
Perhaps he’s tired of his life, and he found some place better.
Perhaps he wanted us to be independent.
Perhaps he is keeping up with our lives on facebook.

Because he looked so different after the op, I sometimes wonder if that was really him?
Maybe it was someone else who looked very much like him?

Yeah, I think I’m a bit psycho and in denial.
But I kinda consider that possibility and hope that he’s happy wherever he is now.

Dad, I’m doing great.
Just that… I really miss you.

Loss

2010-05-16T23:53:00.001+08:00

Somehow, thoughts flow better when I'm not trying to put them down in words.

I'm thinking about loss.

Loss of the ones you love, or people who have once crossed paths with you and made a difference in your life.
Through death. Or through break ups.

It hurts when you know that this loss is eternal, and nothing can bring that person back.
When the best and only way to keep that person close to you are merely memories you shared.

Such is life.
You come with nothing, you leave with nothing.
Feels kinda meaningless to me.
At the end of the day, does it matter what you do with your life, or how happy you were, or how many friends or foes you made?
Does it?
Does it matter what religion you believe in or how much good you do?

You don't know when people might leave.
You don't know if you'll make it till tomorrow.
I guess at this point of this one way conversation, the most appropriate thing to say is "cherish your loved ones and shower them with love."

There's no conclusion to this entry.
Just thoughts deep down that will always remain a mystery.
Maybe until I truly become a believer.

Dropping by

2010-05-12T20:36:00.001+08:00

To say hi!

It's my 5th day in Stockholm today
And I only finally managed to get my stockholm sim card to connect me to the www on the go a couple of hours ago, thanks to hui!
So now I'm updating this while I'm on the bus on my way out...

Heading to one of those factory outlet shopping areas today
I hope I don't spend too much!
I should be refraining or even banned from shopping because of the promise I made myself in shanghai
But honestly, I'm running out of places to visit!

Stockholm isn't exactly an exciting place to be
Not such an ideal vacation destination if you're looking for things to do
But it's nice if you just wanna relax and look at pretty buildings and streets...

And living standards here are really high a well.
It's comparable to England when i was there 4 years ago. Expensive!
So we mostly cook our meals at home.

Cooking is a pretty new experience for me and it's really fun! Hahaha...
So far I've tried to cook omelette with vege mushroom and onion, tortellini with white wine cream sauce, and fish & chips.
I took photos of them, but I don't know how to insert photos with this app, so that's just too bad.
Hui's a lot better though, but I think i just need more practice and trial & error.
So far so good, no stomach upset yet.

Ok that's all I have for now.
Be back in a week! :)

me & my iphone

2010-05-06T16:00:00.001+08:00

I know! The design of the skin really doesn’t suit me
but I’m only using it because it came free, and I have yet bought a casing.

Birthday present? hehe :D

oh I am SO DREADING the transit in Doha…
I’ll be boarding at Changi Airport at 2.25am, arriving in Doha at 10am Singapore time, wait for 2 hrs 55 min to board my next flight, then arrive in Stockholm at 1.45pm Stockholm time, which is 7.45pm Singapore time.
Total travel time: 17 hours 20 minutes

And the return is worse, with 7 hrs 20 min of transit time at Doha. Damn it!

Am probably 70% packed and I’m feeling guilty for not doing anything about it for the whole afternoon now… Still have my chargers and toiletries and some other stuff that I’ll probably still need before leaving the house tonight.
I hope I don’t forget anything.

I’ll try not to miss Singapore too much.
Take care in Singapore, everybody :D

iPhone

2010-05-06T04:24:00.001+08:00

Yeah, it's finally my turn. Hahaha.

Testing out some apps. I realized that putting punctuations is kinda troublesome.

Wheee... I'm flying off tomorrow already!
Damn soon la. Excited :)
I hope there's free wi-fi in most places there.

Meanwhile, do recommend me some apps if you know of any awesome+free ones k?

:)

Ok I should sleep!

Count your blessings

2010-05-03T18:34:00.001+08:00

I love my friends, I really do.
And I can feel that you guys really care and want the best for me.
I feel so loved!

Every single one of you is a blessing to me.
The 24th year of my life has been pretty rocky and horrid, and I think the amount of tears I shed in this one year is more than how much I cried my entire life.
But I have my lessons learnt, and I think I really grew.
I’ll start listing my blessings maybe tonight, because I’m about to head out for dinner.

<3

Time flies…

2010-04-19T23:43:00.001+08:00

Every time the volume on my computer is a little louder than it should be, I remember the times when my brother used to tell me, ‘eh, softer. Dad’s sleeping.’

It doesn’t feel like that long ago, but it’s been more than 3 months…

Another!

2010-04-14T01:02:00.001+08:00

I dreamt of him again!
But this time I don’t remember what it was about.

I just know I was sobbing when I woke up.

Oh. I don’t know if I like this or not.
Dreaming of him keeps him fresh in my mind
but it reminds me that he’s gone forever…

Another dream

2010-04-04T22:31:00.001+08:00

We were out for dinner as a family, 4 of us
We had prawns and crabs, oh yum!

After the meal, Dad was driving home
Mom was in the passenger’s seat
Bro and I were in the backseat, and I was behind Dad

In my dream, I knew he’s gone
He’s just back for a meal with us
So I hugged him from the back
and I looked at him. His face. His hair.
He was just as I last saw him 3 months ago.
And I didn’t wanna look away, because I know I don’t have much time

Then he slowly faded away.

And I sobbed myself awake.

The Why’s of Men

2010-03-31T00:16:00.001+08:00

Received this from Aunt BK…

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
they don't have enough time

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don't know.....it never happened

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

Funny Signs

2010-03-29T02:01:00.001+08:00

Chicken or Eagle?

2010-03-22T17:17:00.001+08:00

Once there was a chicken farmer who was an avid rock climber.

One day, climbing a particularly challenging rock face, he came upon a wide ledge.

On the ledge was a big nest and in the nest there were three large eggs.
Eagle eggs.

He knew it was very un-ecological, and definitely illegal, however temptation got the better of him and he discreetly put one of the eagle eggs in his rucksack.

Then he climbed down and went back to his ranch, and put the egg in the hen house.

That night the mother hen sat on the huge egg, the proudest chicken you've ever seen (and the cock seemed pretty pleased with himself as well!).

In the fullness of time the egg hatched and the baby eagling emerged. It looked around and saw the mother hen.

"Mama!" it squawked.

As time passed the eagle grew up with its brother and sister chicks. It learnt to do all the things that chickens do.

It clucked and cackled, it scratched in the dirt for worms, flapping its wings furiously, and flying a few feet into the air before crashing to earth in a pile of dust and feathers.

And believing above all things that it was totally a chicken.

Year after year passed, until one bright sunny day the eagle-who-thought-it-was-a-chicken, looked up into the sky.

High overhead, soaring majestically on the thermal currents, flying effortlessly with scarcely a beat of its powerful golden wings, was an eagle.

"What's that?" said the eagle-who-thought-it-was-a-chicken in awe to a farmyard neighbour.

"Its magnificent. So much power and grace. Poetry in motion."

"That's an eagle," said the chicken. "That's the King of the Birds. It's a bird of the air. However we, we're only chickens, we're birds of the earth."

And so it was, the eagle lived and died a chicken, because that's all it thought it was.

Now there are very few soaring eagles in this world.

Most people listen and look to other chickens and follow their lead.

You can never attain the great heights of success by having unsuccessful role-models. And following the mass can only end up in mediocrity.

blurry dream

2010-03-15T22:09:00.001+08:00

he was just sitting there, smiling away
there was a butterfly, or was it a small flame, fluttering in front of his face
and he was blowing at it, simply enjoying himself.
he looked really happy.

then i woke up
and i was sobbing, my pillows were wet.

Unspoken thoughts

2010-03-07T00:05:00.001+08:00

I was taking a late afternoon nap last Tuesday.
The sun has almost set by the time I got awoken by the unlocking of the doors on the 19^th storey.
Dad’s home. Oh wait, he’s not. It’s my brother.

-

It’s a regular Saturday night.
I got home after dinner, and I’m just using my laptop, as usual.
My mom and brother came home together today.
I continue using my computer.
Mother told me to drink soup, so I did.
When I was done, I decided to brush my teeth.
As I was making my way to the toilet, I glanced in my dad’s room and noticed that the lights were switched off.
He’s not home yet.

Clearing out my wardrobe

2010-03-05T12:29:00.001+08:00

As well as my Dad’s.

Now I know where my genes of keeping silly things like empty plastic bags and nice brochures came from :p

And I found out he’s a great fan of Goldlion. 90% of his clothes are from there! And he already bought new year clothes for this year, from Goldlion as well. Still in it’s packaging. He should totally get a loyalty award from them.

I really do miss that man.

2010-03-04T22:43:00.001+08:00

I was just filling out a job application form
and there’s a column for Family Particulars and Emergency Contact.

I can’t fill in Kua Chee Keong, Father, anymore.

Live like there’s no tomorrow

2010-03-04T17:54:00.001+08:00

Recently, I contemplated heading to Taiwan to work. And then today, there’s news about the earthquake. So it’s probably not that great an idea. Perhaps the best thing to do is to stay put in boring but safe ol’ Singapore.

At times I just think, does it matter? Who doesn’t die? It’s just a matter of time. Even in Singapore, you might just get knocked down by a car, or something. Life is fragile, yes, but if you’ve to be so extremely cautious and ban yourself from doing what your heart desires, what does that make of your life? Did you live happily in those 80 years of your life? Or did you have 3 awesome decades without having regrets of not accomplishing things you’ve always wanted to do?

Do we have to limit our experiences only to ease our parents’ worry? It’s our life, isn’t it? Not theirs.

Why make plans, when plans fall apart anyway? When you don’t know if you’re even going to make it till tomorrow?

Hello from Taipei

2010-02-13T00:29:00.001+08:00

Okay, so the past 10 hours has been pretty bearable.
Hopefully it stays this way.

It’s still a bit early for bed
and I’m glad there’s internet in this hotel, although really, there’s nothing much to do online.
But no such luxury after tomorrow :(
I’m so dreading the mountains :(

It’s colder than expected, approx 12 degree Celsius tonight.
JEALOUS?!
The last I checked, it’s supposed to be 20-26 degrees!
Ok, but it’s really so much more tolerable than Shanghai 2 months ago.

Had my first round of CHOU DOU FU already… YUM!!!!
More to come! :D

Wants to RUN! AWAY!

2010-02-10T12:35:00.001+08:00

I’m beginning to seriously dread the Taiwan trip.
Having to face her every moment for 7 days, is seriously, ROARRR.

It’s Wednesday.
Visiting Dad again, and going down to the lawyers’ again.
I can’t even begin the grasp my own inner peace right now, and I’m sure I’m not gonna get any peace from her later.
SIGH.

Boo.
Perhaps I should runaway from all these tension and negative aura.
Put me on a jetplane and not have a care about what’s gonna happen.
But I can’t not care. I want answers to all these mess in my head.
Not that easy to cut ties with the ones who’re actually supposed to matter.

Lessons in Life

2010-02-02T03:22:00.001+08:00

I’m feeling better.
I think it has sunk in.
There are definitely times that I suddenly have this overwhelming bout of emotions to lament over the same few things
and moments that I desperately wish that he didn’t go to the toilet alone and that he’s still alive and kicking…
But I’m slowly coming to accept it.

Through this, I learn.
I learnt to accept that accidents can happen to anyone at all, and nobody’s an exception.
I learnt that people can suddenly go, and you might not have a chance to say your last goodbyes.
And I learnt that you need to spend enough time with your loved ones, show them care and concern, so that you don’t have regrets if they, or even yourself, do leave suddenly someday.
I learnt that you can’t carry your money to your grave, so why not do good with the spare cash that you don’t need?

It’s funny how my dad’s life and character slowly unravels to me after he’s gone.
Stories I hear from my aunts, uncles and mother.
Things I never knew.
I knew so little about him, that every little thing I can touch now is so precious.

All along, I somehow felt that he’s a lonely father and husband, although I always knew that he’s a great one at that.
I took for granted that he wouldn’t disappear so young and I would still have time to make up for lost time at some point in my life.
Just not now, I thought.
Perhaps its the way we’ve been brought up, or perhaps its our characters, a trait that’s prominent in my dad, brother and myself.
I’m almost completely unable to express affection towards my family.

Through this, I also learn.
I refuse to go there with my own family in the future.
I want a happy, loving family.
Too bad, so sad, my kids won’t be able to meet their amazing grandpa.

Oh shit, why did I blog myself to tears again!?
Hahaha…

denial

2010-01-24T01:05:00.002+08:00

It gets unbearable sometimes
And this feeling is becoming more and more apparent everyday.
I close my eyes and I see his smiling face
I open my eyes and realise its not just a nightmare
And I know I'll never get to see him again

I want to run away and leave this pain behind
But I'm scared to leave my memories of him behind as well
I'm beginning to think I'm incapable of healing
I can't take losing loved ones..
I really can't.

He's really gone. My father. Really gone forever.
Everyday when I get home i glance in his room, hoping to see him lying in bed, taking me back to reality.
But now its stacks of documents in his place... Now that's reality.

Funny how these vulnerabilities disappear in the day when I'm surrounded by people.
Funny how I crumble when I'm all alone and wish I had someone to hug me tight right then.

don't take for granted

2010-01-23T03:43:00.000+08:00

Life is unpredictable and fragile.

I wish this entire episode is just a dream. Some drama or sick joke.

I still can't believe he's gone. He's not coming back. I miss my father. As little as we interact, there's this indescribable sense of comfort in the little "have you had dinner?"s and simply bumping into him downstairs, greeting him and his nod in acknowledgement. And even hearing his familiar snore next door, a sound I've giggled about since I was young.

Don't take for granted your loved ones will always be around. Don't take for granted that he'll be there to give your hand in marriage, and watch you form your own family. Don't take for granted he'll live till a ripe old age...

What I wouldn't give to see your face again

my papa

2010-01-20T01:36:00.001+08:00

he’s gone to a better place
somewhere free from pain.

he will have the best afterlife
because he was really a great great man.
and i’m not just saying that because he’s my father. he really, really was.
everyone sang his praises.
not a single person would have anything negative to say about him, other than that he was way too generous and he talked too little back then.
and i’m so proud of him, so proud to be his daughter.

it was just way too sudden and unexpected
he was young and generally healthy
and you just don't expect these things to happen to yourself.

regrets i have a few
i had such a great man next to me all these while
but i never really got to know him
and i never spent enough time with him
nor have i taken any photos with him since i grew up
and i haven’t been the daughter that he deserved to have.

i could go on complaining
but i won't.

take heart in knowing that this has ended the best possible way.
everything was perfect, albeit in a morbid way
he didn’t suffer prolonged pain- it wasn’t an illness that put him on medication or kept him bedridden for months
but he hung on long enough for loved ones to see him one last time.
and he heard what he needed to hear to pass on worry-free.

papa…
thank you for everything
everything you’ve done for the past 3 decades were for us.
i’m so sorry i can’t take care of you like you did us
but i will try to live my life the way you would be proud of me too.

i never did say it when you were around, but papa, i love you.
rest in peace.

:(

2010-01-19T20:45:00.001+08:00

too much drama today.
i am not happy.
he’s not coming back. not tomorrow, not in a few weeks, nor in years.
i’ll never see him in his room again, nor downstairs just whiling time away.
i’ll never hear his voice again.
i’ll never sit in his car with him in the driver’s seat again.
which reminds me, i’ve never driven him around before.
i miss you papa.

it hurts

2010-01-14T10:20:00.001+08:00

because he is such a great man, son, father & husband
because he has unfulfilled dreams
because he hasn’t started enjoying the fruits of his labour
because he was healthy and active
because it was from a simple slip and fall, totally unforeseen
because i might never get to see the healthy bubbly him ever again
because he is MY father. my papa.

please get well. please don’t suffer.

sleep sleep sleeeeeep!

2010-01-12T19:47:00.001+08:00

guess what?

i went to sleep somemore.
this is why wen doesn’t like staying at home. i feel so useless and unaccomplished.
so my sleeping hours today are as below:

3am to 11am
11.30am to 3.30pm
5.30pm to 7.30

think i’m gonna get insomnia tonight :(

oh yay! i’m getting out of the house!

lethargy

2010-01-12T16:48:00.001+08:00

slept so much today that i’ve got a headache and some weird achy feeling in my face.
just feeling lethargic overall
and i simply feel like just lazing in bed
despite having some things on my list to accomplish.

just not a great day, i guess.

cut ties with bloody idiots

2010-01-11T21:20:00.001+08:00

i really think i’ve been the nicest i know how to be my entire life.

i’ve never hurt people intentionally
and i really try to give people the benefit of a doubt when their actions are hurtful, even if it’s done to me.
i choose to see things from other people’s shoes so that i understand the reason behind their actions.
i think before i act, to make sure my emotions don’t rule my actions, so that i don’t give people unfair treatment.
and when i realise i’ve done something i shouldn’t, i’m always tormented by my own guilt.
however angry i am at some people, i never give them a piece of my mind no matter how tempted i am.
i try to give them a chance to redeem themselves, with explanations or alternative course of actions.
and at the very end of it, i don’t even hope for karma. i just hope that one day, they realise their mistakes and learn and change for the better.

but why don’t i get even that bit of treatment in return?
it’s utterly frustrating.

and then it’s so easy to give up and give in and say ‘it doesn’t pay to be nice’.
but no, i’m not like that.
i won’t be like that.

i just wish such people would stop entering my life
and that the ones currently in it would vanish from it forever.
i really deserve better.

Things you didn’t know about working in Singapore

2010-01-08T15:47:00.001+08:00

I learnt something new today, so should you!

Clauses on signed contracts can be voided and be overwritten by those on the Employment Act
You are eligible for OT pay as long as you are paid under $2500 a month, and/or your job scope is not rendered as an executive or managerial position (even if previously signed and agreed upon on your employment contract)
Off days upon requests granted on goodwill from the company cannot equate to offs-in-lieu
Employers need to have evidence against employees claims. Employees claims are accepted without the need for proof.
Evidences of bad attitude at work does not warrant for an immediate termination under wilful insubordination

Enlightening, huh?

7 years of love, kyuhyun

2010-01-07T17:02:00.001+08:00

Although I don’t know korean and I have no idea what he’s singing
this song mesmerises me, somehow.

something about the music, something about his voice.

Clients from Hell

2010-01-06T14:45:00.001+08:00

I would like a picture of a businessman parachuting in through the window into a meeting, do you have that type of photograph?

Client: You see where you have a full stop at the end of the first sentence?
Me: Yes.
Client: Can you change it to a comma?
Me: Er, well I can, but you should put a full stop at the end of a sentence.
Client: Oh, that grammar stuff is very old fashioned.

Can you make it red, but not red, you know? And maybe try a primary color, like green.

Client: I want you to do a 3-minute animation for my website. It’s okay if it’s in Flash. How much is that?

Me: That depends, what did you have in mind exactly?

Client: Well, I don’t know. It depends on how much it costs.

Me: The price depends on how complex the designs are, if there is any level of interactivity, if I have to get licensed music, if there is voiceover, etc.

Client: I’m just asking how much 3 minutes of animation is. I don’t know what I want.

Me: Well, the most basic designs start at $3,000 and more complex designs are upwards of $20,000.

Client: WHAT? I thought it would be like $100. I told you, you can do it in Flash.

Me: That’s how much Flash animation costs.

Client: Bullshit. I know Flash does all the animation for you.

Client: We like the design, but could you make the blues all the same.

Me: It’s the same blue through out the design.

Client: It looks like different blues.

Me: That’s because colors are perceived differently dependent on neighboring colors.

Client: That’s stupid.

Visit http://clientsfromhell.tumblr.com/ for more.

happy new year

2010-01-05T14:08:00.001+08:00

this comes late, because i couldn’t access blogger from shanghai
but here’s wishing everyone a happy new year!
2010 is gonna be fantastic. :)

shanghai photos and more coming up next
so watch this space.

happy week

2009-12-21T18:33:00.001+08:00

it’s monday!
no monday blues for me.
other than the fact that i had so much trouble trying to scan a few photos and until now, i’ve yet to get them scanned…
tonight, tonight.
maybe i should really invest in a scanner so that i can scan anything anytime.
roarrrr.

but whatever, i’m excited!
i love my schedule.
gonna be busy busy this week, starting Wednesday, with xmas celebrations and all :)
and then i’m gonna be flying off to shanghai on sunday.

actually i’m a bit sad that i’m gonna be away for new years, and the trip is a bit too long for my liking.
been hearing that there isn’t much in shanghai to stay for 8 days.
shall go do some research now…

by the way, i’m very proud of my creation. :)
only two copies in the entire world.
glad you love it! :)

in other good news, i just heard today that my paycheck for some freelance work is coming in within a week. woohoo!
just in time for my trip.

wen’s a happy girl :D

paycheck makes me happy!

childhood photos

2009-12-16T17:02:00.001+08:00

looking through childhood photos in search of something for the batam christmas party
and needless to say,
nostalgia maxxx.

some photos really make my heart melt
and some photos make me wonder why on earth did my mom put me in such clothes!
and then there are those that make me wonder where did those days go?
the weirdest thought has got something to do with my very own family in the future. yup. weird. haha.

if only i had a scanner. maybe i should go get one. haha.

BOOMZ!

2009-12-12T00:23:00.001+08:00

exploding! but yeah. shall keep to myself.
someone up there will look after me no matter what happens.

anyway…
gotta get up at 5am tomorrow. bloody early!
setting off for our 4 day roadtrip to malaysia.
i’m gonna have fun.
and i’m gonna be happy.

bye singapore, see ya on tuesday.

Leave Me

2009-12-10T14:52:00.001+08:00

Leave Me from Daros Films on Vimeo.

Baby Don’t You Break My Heart Slow

2009-12-10T02:23:00.001+08:00

by Vonda Shepard

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you say
do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever

But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

No.....

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you'd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you mean,
do you mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

You would run around and lead me on forever
While I waited home still thinking we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

I was believing in you

think about it

2009-12-09T17:51:00.001+08:00

how much of what we do is based on impulse?

there is a difference between impulse and spontaneity.
i love spontaneity and i’m beginning to dislike impulse a lot.

mars intentions, burns bridges, and sometimes you simply do the wrong things and ruin everything.

i have this exploding feeling in me that i can’t express.
i can’t wait for the week to be over. :(

yummm

2009-12-08T00:52:00.001+08:00

messing around in the kitchen with hui.
everybody, say yummmm!

just had to say something here

2009-11-26T19:12:00.001+08:00

almost done packing for my trip to Aussieland tomorrow.
looking forward to good times! with you, again :) i hope it's not the last.

see you in a week!
i know you’ll miss me. hehehheh.

my mother

2009-11-20T15:14:00.001+08:00

its not what you do for people
but how you communicate with them.

i hate staying at home, and a large part of the reason is you.

it’s virtually impossible to start a conversation with you without you flaring up by the 2nd sentence, regardless of topic.

yes, you keep the house spick and span and all
but i would appreciate a mother who communicates in any other way rather than inane screaming and slamming furniture
who cares if she does zero housework?
at least i can count on her not to throw a fit within 5 minutes in her presence.

Azur Buffet

2009-11-20T15:10:00.001+08:00

looks yummy, right?
this cost us $40.50nett per person.
feel cheated :(

they say you get 50% off with a DBS/POSB card if you have 2 pax
but who knew that if you’re in a group of 8 pax, you can only use that offer once within your group!
and you can only split the bill in two for one table.
if we knew, we would have sat at different tables :(

but anyway, i had a good time.
more good food tonight, i think.
woohoo! :)

Google Wave

2009-11-19T01:59:00.001+08:00

ooh, looking forward to this.
let the wave take over! :)

http://wave.google.com/help/wave/about.html#video

it’s a looong video, so watch it only if you’re free.

mid November already!

2009-11-17T03:37:00.001+08:00

half a month gone,
half a month of being jobless!
about time for an official update, huh.

so here goes…

i’ve been out and about almost everyday, meeting friends and catching up with different people, some of which i haven’t met in a long time.
and it always ends on the same note- let’s meet up again soon.
i hope it actually materializes, as it so often seems otherwise.

finally finished reading the twilight series and it was definitely a good read.
my favourite of the series is Breaking Dawn, but it’ll be a super long wait for the movie, if there is one.
now i need more good books for my bus/mrt journeys wherever.
can i borrow Marley & Me, or Time Traveller’s Wife from anyone?

been watching a lot of movies too- a lot, in my standards.
never used to watch an average of 2 movies in 2 weeks.
let’s see what have i got so far: 500 Days of Summer, My Sister’s Keeper, Poker King, My Girlfriend is an Agent & Paranormal Activity.
looking forward to more :)

also, i’ve been following Vampire Diaries.
needless to say, ian somerhalder is so divine and paul wesley really pales in comparison (although he does grow on you eventually).
and i’m not just watching it because i’m bored, or because ian is in it.
the story is actually quite good and leaves me begging for the next episode every time.

don't know why the tagline is so cheesy.

and out of boredom, i’ve also started following 海派甜心, starring Xiao Zhu and Rainie. not bad lah, very funny and entertaining. :)

click to watch the 1st episode on youtube!

i think i should already have gotten started with the guitar by now
but the internet gets the better of me all the time.
am still behind schedule for some things/work i set myself to do on the computer
but there are always random distractions like msn, facebook, blogs etc.
so the guitar has been made to wait. i’m sorry, dear.

i’ve been telling myself to wake up before noon, and so far, i’ve disappointed myself twice. only? or already?
haha, i don’t know.
but i do know that being jobless gets you sucked into a vicious cycle of sleeping late, then waking up late because there’s nothing much important to do most mornings.
not so healthy, i say.
i need more self-discipline.

speaking of healthy, i’m starting a running regime.
up for 2 weeks now; hopefully it lasts.
self-discipline again!

so that’s what i’ve been doing.
what’s coming up?

my awesome travelling adventure starts next week!
heading for the gold coast down under next friday, 27 nov (already!)
gonna be gone for a week,
then off for starcruise over the weekend of 4 – 6 dec.
and then kl/cameroon highlands 9 – 12 dec
and perhaps chongqing china some time after that.
i’ll be around for christmas! :)
and off to shanghai china again, 27 dec for a week.
hopefully cambodia in january is still on :)

woohoo! wen is a happy girl!

hao ren, huai ren

2009-11-16T13:55:00.001+08:00

i'm beginning to think that humans really do exist in these two forms.
perhaps its not as distinct as what we see in tv shows;
and i truly believe, that in most cases in real life, the huai rens aren't all that huai as others make them out to be.

have you ever considered the following:

the true reasons of intentions behind actions- like a mother caning her child, her very own flesh and blood... at this age, we all know that's out of concern of a mother wanting her child to learn from his mistake. we probably never believed that when we were young. and the same thing applies here- we don't know why some people do the things they do. perhaps they're misunderstood, or they don't know how to express themselves in ways that people can comprehend and accept?

the extent of putting their personal benefits before others- which human doesn't fend for themselves or want the best for the ones they love? but how far would they go? would they inconvenient others, or even harm others, so that things would go their way, whether its a trivial or serious matter?

the process of getting to your final destination- when it turns into an obsession, you forget what the chase was all about. you're overwhelmed by the progress, enticed by money and power. you forget what you really wanted at the beginning of it all.

we all need reminders now and then.
even being a human, we need to check and review ourselves from time to time so make sure that we're on track.

most people are oblivious to this.
but when they become aware, and when you do justify what they’ve done, don't they deserve a chance?
but then again, how would you know that they would turn over a new leaf?
do they realise that they've been the huai ren before and do they want to become a hao ren?
or they simply can’t be bothered?

karma should not exist to make people suffer
but to make people learn from their past mistakes so that they avoid committing them again.

it's a pity it doesn't seem to work this way.
i honestly hate to see people's ignorance or refusal to see that they brought some things upon themselves, but blame it on other people or luck.

god really does work in mysterious ways.

McDonalds

2009-11-11T15:15:00.001+08:00

If you wake up to a happy sound
Yummy yummy yum, yummy yum yum yum
The rockin’ hot cakes are comin’ around

honestly i don't remember ever seeing this on TV, but too cute? right? :D

quote

2009-11-09T22:23:00.001+08:00

Amazing!

2009-11-07T17:25:00.001+08:00

As if a Lotus could get any more gorgeous.

Watch the video here: http://www.rinspeed.com/pages/cars/squba/squba_video.html

For more stunning cars, visit http://www.rinspeed.com

I don’t know you anymore

2009-11-05T13:03:00.001+08:00

by Savage Garden

I'm totally addicted to this song. Shall learn to play it on a guitar :)

500 Days of Summer

2009-11-04T02:30:00.001+08:00

The more I think about the show, the more I like it. :)
Don’t go on reading if you don’t want spoilers.

http://www.foxsearchlight.com/500daysofsummer/

Not your typical fairytale, but still, it ends on a happy note.

Life isn’t fair, love isn’t fair.

You think you met the love of your life; everything’s going great but she just doesn’t feel the same way for you.
It’s as if she was complete on her own, and you can only hope you could be the one closest to her heart.
And then, she meets the love of her life, the missing piece of puzzle that nobody thought existed.
And you can’t help but wonder what was wrong with you that wasn’t perfect for her, when you were so great together?
There’s no reason nor explanation, just love, or the lack of it.

It’s sad, and it sure does hurt, but Autumn will come :)

retired

2009-11-02T12:22:00.001+08:00

day 1 of being jobless.

been less than 2 hours and i’m feeling so damn empty already :(

i should really go get a temporary job soon.
glad that i already got one for tomorrow :D

whoever’s free, ask me out okay? :)

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

2009-10-30T14:15:00.001+08:00

by Stephanie Sun (again!)

I don't wanna lose you,
but I don't wanna use you
just to have somebody by my side.

And I don't wanna hate you,
I don't wanna take you,
but I don't wanna be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter
to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know
it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people
don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you,
I don't wanna blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you,
but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just wanna have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder,
it makes me feel like the rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know
it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people
don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

And there's no way home,
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love...
it just ain't enough.

how many times

2009-10-29T14:48:00.001+08:00

wish you would just disappear. really.

disappointments one after another.
there are no excuses good enough to justify for these mistakes
and there's no use feeling bad, no use thinking and talking about walking away, when you don't actually walk away.
and nothing you’re doing right now is salvaging the damage done.

love.
passionate love / infatuation doesn't last forever. or it hardly ever does.
but when the passion fades, what's left of a relationship?

perhaps its a different kind of love altogether...
a love that's based on trust, comfort and appreciation for the person's presence in your life, and knowing that you want the best for them and your heart breaks to see them heartbroken.

Torn, Natalie Imbruglia

2009-10-26T00:10:00.001+08:00

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

Well you couldn't be that man that I adored
You don't seem to know or seem to care
what your heart is for
I don’t know him anymore

There's nothing where he used to lie
Our conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
I should have seen just what was there
and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins and now

I don't care I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
that I can't touch
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
Torn

FAQ

2009-10-24T01:57:00.001+08:00

I’ve had wayyy too many people asking me these questions! It’s not a pain to hear these questions, really. It’s nice to know that people are interested. But it’s quite a pain to answer them over and over again. So here it is. The answers you’ve been looking for. Haha.

Please still talk to me, I really don’t mind. I mean, I would love to talk to you guys! Just that this is so much easier than repeating myself again and again.

What are you planning to do after you quit?
Bum around, hang loose, hopefully travel a bit. Will still be part-timing & freelancing so that I still have a bit of income, so if anyone has any temporary job openings, please let me know! Thank you.

So what’s been planned so far?
Gold Coast, Australia, late Nov to early Dec for a week or two. With a bunch of 11-12 year old kids. Should be fun, I hope.
Hopefully Cambodia with Yang in January is still going through. Anyone else wants to tag along?
Might be going to Shanghai for about 6 days as well… Shopping trip I think. Not too sure when yet. November?

When are you leaving for New Zealand? How long are you staying there for?
After CNY, which is in February, so that I can collect angpows first. Haha. Planning to get a pick-apples kinda job there. Just to experience living in a foreign country, have fun and relax. Hopefully I’ll come back in June?

Anything else lined up after NZ?
Am considering heading to Sweden to look for Huihui(W) in July, but haven’t given it much thought in detail. Will see if I still have enough money left to bum around till then.

What happens after that?
I guess by then it’s about time I took myself and my life seriously.

breathe

2009-10-18T00:27:00.001+08:00

it’s been a chill day at home
and for once i don’t feel like it’s a waste of time.
snoozed most of it, tv-ed, movie-d.
perhaps because i know i’m definitely not in the shape to be out and about
thanks to cable ski and soccer yesterday.

having awful muscleaches all over, and i really mean all over.
neck’s the worst, and my arms, thighs, back, waist, shoulders are aching as well.
but no pain, no gain!
i had lots of fun so i’m happyyyy despite the pain. :)
cable ski is fun and i wanna go again! need practice!
anybody?

i finally watched twilight!
i can’t tell if it’d be nice if i hadn’t read the book..
but now that i have, i think the movie is like rushed through and kinda weird that some parts are linked together when they’re not supposed to…
inevitable.
kirsten stewart really does grow on you, but my impression of bella would be a lot paler and weak-looking? kirsten steward has the natural sporty girl look, imo.
robert pattinson has charm, not all that goodlooking, but yes, charming. i think he looked better as cedric in harry potter though.

am the driver tomorrow!
sheesh, am really going to suffer with the steering wheel and gear cause of my muscleaches. haha!
after tomorrow, i’m left with just 2 last weekends.
hmmm. am going to miss everything.
it’s become my life already…

well, i can finally breathe.
the past week has been.. good, in a way.
i had space to think, to realise, to logic.
and i know now exactly what i want.

note to self:
know what you want, hold on to it tight, and don’t settle for 2nd best. :)

full stop.

2009-10-15T00:00:00.001+08:00

i hope the rollercoaster ride is over.

whatever happened, i’m done getting hurt over and over again.
but i don’t want to hold the anger anymore. i’m going to let it(anger) go and let it(hurt) stop.
there are so many people around me who suffered looking at me suffer, and these are the people who are well worth my time and my gratitude, and i will not forget these people. i really have lots to thank and remember.

i plan to be happy for a long time. i want to be happy with myself. nobody else is in charge of my happiness but myself.
i want to know it in my bones that i like the person in the mirror.
doesn’t matter if some people don’t give me the respect i deserve, because first of all, it starts with me respecting myself.
i want to be able to respect this person staring back at me.
and it doesn’t matter if i can’t control situations, like right now.
but i will control my emotions and actions.
i will be the sensible one.

this is who i am. what i am proud to be.

those days

2009-09-23T00:33:00.001+08:00

still.

2009-09-16T00:28:00.001+08:00

i hate that nights like these still haunt me
despite moments of resoluteness

it's not fair.

i’m struggling to find the in between

i’m giving up talking about it
(sometimes i’m ashamed of my thoughts.
i write them somewhere where nobody could read them.
because to be honest, sometimes i think i am really as strong as i wanna be
but sometimes, i act stronger than i really am.)

doesn’t make a difference, does it?

when will this be over?

Better than before

2009-09-01T19:27:00.001+08:00

I can’t believe how quick I’m recovering.
And I’m amazed that ‘what goes around comes around’ would apply to us.

love scar

2009-08-27T12:07:00.001+08:00

just like any other bruises

it starts with a stinging pain
and gets unbearable on contact
you don’t know whether to bare it all
or to cover it up with a bandage

then as it tries to heal
there are moments you itch and you want to scratch it
but you refrain, because you know it’ll only get worse
especially if you’ve been making progress

but as they say
time heals everything.
pain will disappear.
just be patient and persevere.
you do have natural healing powers.

some email

2009-08-26T11:21:00.001+08:00

"When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned toast in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom, and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the toast. And I'll never forget what he said: 'Baby, I love burned toast.'

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his toast burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, 'Debbie, your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!' You know, life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best housekeeper or cook.

What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other's differences - is the one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of GOD. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where burnt toast isn't a deal-breaker! We could extend this to any relationship in fact - as understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!! "

life goes on

2009-08-25T23:32:00.001+08:00

and it gets more exciting.

to do list:

- find out what kinds of jobs are available in NZ and UK, when is a good time to head over
- decide on dates and location for diving in september, plus find khakis!
- find 1 x female khaki for BKK end october
- financial planning! about time…
- plan more holidays. hahahah…

解脱

2009-08-25T22:09:00.001+08:00

张惠妹

爱是不夜城
回忆像星辰
热泪越沸腾
我越感觉有点冷

变了心的人
越想越伤人
枯坐到清晨
阳光替房间开了灯

想若结局一样
又何苦再想
想若让人成长
我为什么怕分手的伤

解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走我有自由好好过
解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦

心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头
不要爱我的人再担心我

words that have lost their truths

2009-08-25T18:54:00.001+08:00

there are moments
where thoughts of the past creeps up on me
what’s been said before
what’s been done before

then i need to remind myself to STOP
stop right there
stop looking at the past
because it all don’t matter now

how true it had been
stopped being true yesterday.

whatever you hadn’t understand
doesn’t need to be understood.
things don’t need to make sense to you anymore.

because it’s over now.

believe it.

closure

2009-08-25T16:04:00.001+08:00

it came earlier than expected, but just as well.

please understand
if i’m walking too fast for you these days

i think it helps me avoid looking back
keeps me in the mood of looking forward, moving forward
don’t stop me in my tracks

it’s time to build more memories on my own, without him in the picture
to replace the overflowing moments that we had in the past 2.5 years

anyone wants to dive in september? a short and budget one!
need 1 more female khaki for bangkok in october too!

let me know!! :)

31 October 2009

2009-08-24T16:13:00.001+08:00

never imagined myself to be counting to this.
but hell yeah…

10 more weeks!!!

隐形人

2009-08-20T00:22:00.001+08:00

孙燕姿

无论你肯或不肯
我都选择等
等到你结束好久
探险的旅程
要是没有寂寞陪衬
没有途中的灰尘
你怎会向往家门

你越是想要诚恳
其实越残忍
伪装不了你对我
漠视的眼神
你不许我听信永恒
不许我迷信我们
不许我奋不顾身

多想化成隐形的人
掩饰我伤痕
给你我的体温
好帮你驱走寒冷
看不见也能感受心疼
多想化成隐形的人
隐藏我的泪在翻滚
我在你凌乱世界
留下的指纹
对你是没心跳的一个吻

朋友都于心不忍
责备我愚蠢
但他们都回避我
执著的眼神
可知我对爱的虔诚
可知我迷信我们
可知我难得放任

多想化成隐形的人
掩饰我伤痕
给你我的体温
好帮你驱走寒冷
看不见也能感受心疼
多想化成隐形的人
隐藏我的泪在翻滚
我在你凌乱世界
留下的指纹
对你是没心跳的一个吻

random

2009-08-19T14:48:00.005+08:00

Teoheng is an awesome place for KTV.

It has most original MTVs, even for the english songs, but they don't have the original MTV for Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie.
So this was what was shown on the screen:

LOL

I cut my hair. Bangs, or not?

Pink

2009-08-15T00:59:00.000+08:00

Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

First day.

2009-08-11T14:31:00.001+08:00

I need this denial.

Violent tendencies?

2009-08-02T01:23:00.003+08:00

Spent the night watching shows about freak accidents, kamakazes, airplane crash investigations, train crash investigations.

I think I've got violent tendencies.

The (notso)-new History channel's really interesting.
I love educational channels!
Got me glued to the tv for 5 hours straight.
The ads for the upcoming shows make me wanna be a fulltime couch potato.

The Vampire Diaries

2009-07-30T23:31:00.001+08:00

I'm so watching The Vampire Diaries for Ian Somerhalder!!

Wen wants to

2009-07-29T01:51:00.004+08:00

start a regime to keep healthy,
rock climb more regularly,
start learning yoga,
start learning to play the guitar,
enjoy work like she used to,
love you like she used to,
enjoy every single moment she has,
keep her loved ones close as she can,
embrace daily's greatness,
live life to the fullest.

I hate copywriting!

2009-07-22T18:24:00.003+08:00

hao bu rong yi write finish an article of 300 words, and I was told that it sounds too much like an advertisement.
So I need to redo the whole thing. Booooo...

Somebody save me....

Trekking is :D

2009-07-15T00:56:00.007+08:00

Lazy to blog.
Lazy to type in proper sentences.

I loved the trekking trip.
I love the serenity in the middle of nowhere, far away from civilisation.
Total absence of human, other than the few of us.
Love it.

Only downside to it is having to bathe in not exactly clean and very cold waters- the river, though Tony had a blast doing that.
That crazy fella showered and brushed his teeth 3 times in 2 hours.

Outdoor cooking is funnn!
Chopping down a tree is even better. Haha!
And then there's the campfire, that lasted the night through to morning!

I'm definitely going trekking again :D
Any takers?

-

Genting after trekking.
Proud of my shopping loots!
2 spag tops, 1 tank top, 2 tees, 2 boxer shorts and 1 shorts at only SGD$100!
Hohoh, I love cheap and nice stuff! :)

And I finally got my very belated birthday present (unclaimed yet) from xt.
My perfect-for-driving shoes:

Keds Jetty Mule in Navy

Now I think I need to get socks to match them... :p

Looking for a watch now. Something sporty and slim. Any suggestions?

Cheap goods make me happy

June's randomness

2009-06-25T10:05:00.003+08:00

Alone at work today :(
Everyone's out, either on offday, or running events.
Boo. Lunch anybody???

Anyway, I meant to blog several times for the past week but I just didn't get down to it.
Too busy, too tired etc.

Last week's offday was quite awesome;
I went waxing and then I went bra shopping.
Hahaha. I bought 6 bras in a span of less than 2 weeks!
Ok, too much information maybe.
But does anyone wanna reimburse me? As a belated birthday present? Heheheh :D
By the way, I LOVE Cotton On sales.

And then the weekend was so hectic.
Thank goodness June is almost over, and that I'm not the driver for this weekend.
To think about it, it really did zoom past.
Feels like yesterday that we were planning for the Kids Academy, doesn't it?

I'm losing my tan and am almost back to my usual shade of ghostly white.
Was supposed to get a tan yesterday, since it was my offday, but it was drizzling the whole damn day!
Ended up sleeping in, which was much needed.
I actually slept a lot since Tuesday, but I still feel lethargic and tired.

I need a good break.
June has been a marathon.

BRING ON JULY!

2009-06-17T00:19:00.002+08:00

aunt bee ean and sydney are back. :)

I showed sydney zovb website
and she's excited about it.

I'm planning to bring her, but to think about it,
I'll probably be working when there's a session where I can bump her in.
but then again,
I don't wanna go to old holland road when I'm on my off day. i

haha.

oh man I seriously am so looking forward to the end of june!

Offday eve

2009-06-03T00:16:00.005+08:00

Hmmm... Off day tomorrow.
What shall I do ner?

Sun tan? Don't think so... Quite tanned already after the weekend...

Facial? Just went last week leh.

Wax? Cannot lah, got period.

Watch DVD? Don't really wanna watch alone...

Cut hair. Where should I cut?
Go see laptop cover. Oh yes, who wants to buy me one?
Take a joy ride on the new circle line.
Meet ballers for dinner.

Man, I can't wait for June to be over... Seriously.

And oh gosh I really CAN'T WAIT to watch Harry Potter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96QRVfto7OM&feature=fvst

The best

2009-05-27T22:44:00.001+08:00

Most people I observe,
have the tendency to want to connect to people.

I think I don't. I think I shut new people out a lot.

But when I think about it, I realise that it maybe because I'm satisfied by the ones I already have a connection with, thus not bothering / wanting / needing new additions to my circle of trusted companions.

I would like to think, I already have the best.

Thin line

2009-05-20T01:42:00.002+08:00

between stubborn and having a mind of your own
between fickle-minded and open-minded
between stupid and trusting
between stoical and logical
between insensitive and rational
between squandering and enjoying life
between addiction and indulgence
between self-centred and self-protective
between obsession and passion

and many more.

Tired

2009-05-19T00:32:00.002+08:00

Realised that I've been extremely short fused lately.
Can't stand it.

Perhaps I need a break.
I need to disappear for a while.

I think I might have developed a love-hate feeling towards this job.
I need to stop this obsession with my work!

Annoyed!

2009-05-17T13:17:00.003+08:00

It's so irritating that clients expect you to be checking your emails on a weekend for their event that's happening next weekend, or just tomorrow.

Hello? We can't be at two places at one time. You want us to run the party for you, and you want us to check our emails at the very same time one week before. Can't you just freaking wait till Monday?!

I could really use some considerate and understanding clients.

Harry Potter Mania

2009-05-17T01:46:00.002+08:00

Finished reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
NEED TO READ THE DEATHLY HALLOWS... NOW!
I should pop by the library tomorrow. Yes.