Backing up the files in my laptop.
And I found a folder of my Dad’s thumbdrive files…
Looking through his files, I don’t know what I’m hoping to find.
Maybe a note, or a letter.
Or just some piece of information, to know my Dad, a little better than I did.

Its been a year and a half.
But I guess these things don’t fade away.
I can still remember the events, so vividly. And the feelings, so intensely.
And him. So perfectly.

I remember the last him so well. His greyed hair, his belly, and his light-hearted laughter.
I remember the younger him, with his jet-black hair with just a few strands of silvers (which I excitedly plucked for him) and his jet-black moustache. He was the handsomest man I knew.

But somehow, I can’t seem to remember those days in between.
The days I was probably a bit of a rebel, plus things weren’t going too good at home, and he was probably keeping himself busy with work.

I really hate that I knew him so little, and I hate that I didn’t make his life happier than it could have been. And I know, he deserves SO. MUCH. MORE.

I found his resume, and his experience started way back, from 1977. I can’t help but think, so fucking what?

We work. We climb the corporate ladder. We try so hard to win. And then we get somewhere, or not. So fucking what? Did we slog so hard for 30 years just to get there, and in the meantime, drift away from loved ones? We spend a large part of our lives, learning how to win… But oh what we have lost. Time. Precious time. To learn about the people we love. To grow old together with your loved ones, and to watch your babies grow up.

I’m not blaming my Dad at all. I am certain, that we all had a part to play. And I am sure he tried, and he was the one who got the least of what he deserved amongst us.

I don’t know how to end this.

By the way, I got a tattoo. Of his name, on my back. Before I actually went to get it done, I told my best friends that I was gonna do it. They said, they don’t get it, as in, they don’t understand why people get tattoos. Why would you need to get a tattoo when he’s already in your heart?

I guess when someone you know you’ll love for your entire life is really gone, you just want to grasp every little thing that can possibly keep a part of him with you. Could be an item, a letter or a note, a photo. Something that helps you hold on to his spirit, forever. I thought a tattoo, is apt. But I guess, it will never be enough.

My life as it is, right now

Know what I really hate about my life right now?

I hate the monotony. The torture of dragging myself out of bed every morning at 8am. The daily realisation of not being passionate and not feeling the ownership about what I'm working for. The lack of time to have a better work-life balance without feeling like a zombie or feeling guilty.

I miss being jobless and answerable to nobody but myself. Being in control of my time and allowing things to wait till tomorrow. I miss all those late nights and knowing I can sleep in the next day.

Oh sigh. Is this what life is all about forever and ever?

Life

So much time have come and gone… Feelings have changed, people have moved on, babies have been born, and lives gone… Some people have distanced and faded from my live, and new people have entered…

Things that happened 3, 5 or 7 years ago, sometimes they feel just like yesterday. But when I think about it, wow, how much we have all been through! But how I’m still very much the same person, despite everything that’s happened. And I survived.

Yet why do I still feel like I’m still a baby to life? So much still to see and experience. To learn. Still feel like I’ve got so much to lose, and despite what my peers might think about me -- the one with a care-free soul, albeit a little too careless at times -- I do think I’m still too careful with life.

So afraid to step out. Out of my comfort zone, to unknown places. So afraid of being alone, or being hurt. Always believing that the stars are unattainable.

But I’m running out of time, am I not? The prime time of my life had unknowingly trudged passed me, and these days I’m often caught by surprised my peers are so well-settled in their jobs and on their way to their great big careers.

And I am still here. Back at zero. Well, almost.

I think I have finally found my calling though. And I think I finally know my path, and I can almost make out what’s lying ahead of me. Or rather, the path that I’m paving ahead, for myself.

So, here’s to me. Good luck and GO ME!

Almost a year

Visited Dad today.

And I wasn't expecting to be affected. But I choked. I cried. Even though she didn't.

I think what really gets me is hearing her talk to a photo as if it was him, as if he was standing right in front of us, like he never left. And being there just brings back the feelings from one year back.

And I can never forget that feeling. Nor the feeling I get from my relationship with my Papa. Indescribable, irreplaceable.

I love and miss you Papa. And I always will.

And so he sent me an email
An email of gratitude and apologies for the past 3 years.

Maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything anymore
But I think my heart just broke a little reading it.

It's not that you still mean anything to me.
You don't.
It's that I've taken everything you say to NOT mean a thing that's sad.

Oh well. Read it twice over and deleted it.

KTV

Finally, after weeks and weeks of postponing, I finally went KTV!
But somebody was tired, so we left early.
Never sing until shiok leh!

Heh. 
I really like singing,
and I really wish I could sing.

Music is great :D

Memories

I think memories are important.

The things you see and the experiences you go through make you who you are
But sometimes, you can't put words to feelings you get from a certain moment and situation
or there's a delayed effect
Such that later on in life, you don't remember which was the incident that gave a certain element to your character, or your perspective on life or issues.
Or it might change a relationship.

And when you wanna fix something, sometimes, it might just boil down to that very moment
to undo all the damage, or to eliminate the what has gone bad beyond repair.

You know, somewhat like how Dumbledore was trying to get that memory out of Horace Slughorn.

I think you get my drift now.

Anyways, I finally got down to packing last week.
I know it’s always gonna be hard once it gets to one particular box, so I shall not get there just yet.
Cleared some stuff off my shelf and table
and this surfaced.

X gave this to me, for my 18th birthday, if I remember correctly.

For about a year, this sat proud on my shelf.
If I’m not wrong, this is the team that had 49 unbeaten games in the EPL.

I haven’t been following soccer, or Arsenal, closely for the past couple of years.
Partly because I’ve been rather busy, and partly because I don’t have people who’d watch soccer with me regularly anymore.
And sad to say, one last reason, though I’m ashamed to admit it, is that the team’s no longer the same. And the quality of the game is different.

I miss my favourite team.
It’s not only because they won every game, but because they had the drive to want to do it, to believe that they can do it. There’s always someone who would make the difference when the rest of the team were lucked out that day. Always.
And of course, the reason I fell for them. The way they played, the flair, the offensive football, the one-two passes, the through balls, the teamwork, the fast-flowing football. The beautiful goals.
I watched them with bated breath all the time, and almost every goal was beautiful.

I’m gonna rekindle my love for them now.
I shall put this up with pride in my new room when I move. Maybe make a couple of changes though.
Taylor. Gilberto. Wiltord. Henry. Campbell. Ljungberg. Bergkamp. Parlour. Vieira. Cole. Lauren. Pires.

Gilberto. One of the newest addition to the team then. He caught Wenger’s eyes during the 2002 World cup. And then he was our captain for a while.
Henry. An Arsenal legend without a doubt. Skillful, clever and brilliant player. He takes the game to a whole new level, gave the team confidence and was the one player that everyone believed Arsenal couldn’t do without.
Campbell. I’ve always felt that he was one of the few reliable defenders Arsenal had, so I was disappointed when he left. And then he came back, but then he left again. So, boo.
Ljungberg. He wasn’t bad on the field, but he definitely rocked in CK underwear. Hahaha!
Bergkamp, another legend. I’ll always remember that goal he scored against Newcastle.
Vieira. The captain that brought us glory. The playmaker and the pillar in the midfield.
Cole. Before he went to Chelsea and before we started calling him Cashley, I really did like him a lot as a left back. I love offensive play, and I love the way full backs are involved in the build up to the goals. He was great in speeding down the left flank with the ball, and IMO, Clichy hasn’t been as good as him.
Pires. Another goodlooking guy. Haha. Why didn’t he model any underwear too? Hahaha!

Alright, so here’s me decided.
I’m gonna fall in love with Arsenal all over again.
I’m gonna watch them every weekend, if I can.
Who’s with me!? :D

One year of fresh air

Life's been good.
And when life's good, I find that I hardly have anything to blog about.

Maybe good things are really not meant to be shared. Haha. According to me.

And so, it’s been almost a year since I quit my job.
A year of bumming around, lazing around, travelling around.

I really should have blogged about my holidays everywhere, but I didn’t.
Maybe I’ll summarize all my trips in photos someday soon, maybe before I get a full time job.
Have been spending my afternoons lazing in bed, and god knows what else. I really don’t really remember. Gosh. About time I started working my brains.

Yeah, I’m currently looking for a job. Perhaps something related to video production, or marketing.
Browsing through jobsdb makes me depressed and realise that its about time I should get serious about life, and really try to figure out what I wanna do for the rest of my life.
I can’t be earning $2k per month and I don’t wanna eat $3 hawker centre food every single day for the rest of my life, so that I can own a car, and perhaps a house.
Yup, so good luck to me and my little dreams. For now.

Not that I’m looking forward to being in a job though.
I’m enjoying my life now, really.
And when I get a job, I don’t know how much things will change.
So I’m kinda taking it easy, praying for more freelance jobs to keep me going.
Haha. Slacker.

Other updates, my brother has decided to move out.
So that leaves my mother and I to this penthouse.
So, we’re gonna be moving out too, to somewhere smaller.
Probably moving in December, and I am looking forward to it.
New room, fresh start.
To my life, to my relationship with my mother.
Am already starting to think about what to put in my room. Hehe. Can’t wait :D

Other news,
I cut my hair. Short.
I think it’s gonna stay short for some time.
And I think I might just dye it, just for the heck of it.
The last time I dyed my hair was 7 years ago.

I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy, currently at season 3.
Not bad, I’m enjoying it.
My favourite characters are Dr Bailey and George.
They’re so very cute and funny! :D

That’s all for now. Toodles!

Updates & random rants

Life IS a rollercoaster.

I think I really can't stand boredom.
Boredom makes me think too much.
I need to do something! I need to be on the go!
Otherwise I’ll just end up moody for no good reason :\

Supper with E a few nights ago.
I’m starting to think he’s a potential BFF.
No, wait, I thought that a few years back. So far, so good. :)
We’ve been friends for a decade now! WOW. We are getting old :(

Matters of the heart are a pain in the neck.
Can you stop a feeling?
Does it always have to go from good to gone?
Happily ever after… Is it possible? For me?
Nobody likes to be ‘just another’, right?
Who doesn’t wanna be special? Who doesn’t wanna be THE ONE for someone else?

The older we get, the more we go through, the less hopeful we are of finding perfection.

Whatever it is, I’m proud to say that my happiness no longer depends on anyone else
And I hope that it stays this way for a long long time.
I am happy now.

To love, or be loved.
I think I’d do it all over again.

Isn’t it so precious to find the right person for you?
And I thought I did.

But.

Revelation

I miss my dad.
Somehow the past few days saw me missing him more than ever
And I wish I had more time with him
I wish I had spent more time with him while he was alive
And if I could turn back time to just a couple of months before he passed away, I would spend so many more of my days with him, and have so many more dinners with him

All i want is just a month or two
But it's too late
And I regret
Really regret.

If you knew you had this much time left with your loved ones, what would you do?
Do it today.
Because you never know what's gonna happen.

Regrets are useless.
So instead of lamenting about what I would have done if I had more time with dad
I'm gonna make a difference while i still do with mom.

I will talk to my mother soon.

My birthday dream

I’m an idiot.

I spent the weeks before my birthday looking forward to this day
only because I’ve been hoping to dream of my Dad and talk to him.

After all, it’s my first birthday since he left us, and if he’s still somewhere, I believe he’d like to be here with me, at least for a while, or talk to me, or something, on my special day. Right? And it’d be the greatest gift ever for me, too.

I went to bed earlier than usual that night. I was excited.

I remember waking up several times throughout the night, realising that I have yet dreamt of him, so as quickly as I could, I fell back into deep slumber.

Then finally, it happened.

He looked young, he was in his early 30s. He told me his heart ached the most for me when he passed away, because he could hear my prayers for him, and how my heart ached for him as well. I couldn’t say a thing, but hugged him the tightest I could, and cried ‘Papa!! Papa…”

Then I woke up, sobbing! With tears streaming down my face!

Too fucking short!! I tried to go back to the same dream, but it was empty. That was all. :(

I had the whole afternoon to myself, and I spent it feeling upset with myself, and missing him more than ever. I tried to take an afternoon nap, but I couldn’t fall asleep and all I managed was tears on my pillow.

Why!? Why did I have to wake up so soon!? Was it really him? I tried to go back, but I really couldn’t! Was he waiting for me to return to that dream?

And why did I come up with this stupid wish, when whatever came true was perhaps just a figment of my imagination!? And how did I build up so much hope that it’ll turn out perfect, only to disappoint myself?

Sigh.

Money

Money can buy you a house, but it can’t buy you a home
Money can buy you a clock, but it can’t buy you time
Money can buy you a bed, but it can’t buy you sleep
Money can buy you books, but it can’t buy you wisdom
Money can buy you medicine, but it can’t buy you health
Money can buy you status, but it can’t buy you respect
Money can buy you blood, but it can’t buy you life
Money can buy you sex, but it can’t buy you love.

Received this in a chinese sms from Crystal.
Thought its a good reminder for all of us on this earth.
Money is power, but it’s not happiness.

Up too late

Oops

I think my bad sleeping habits are returning!
Have been waking up at almost 1pm since I returned from Sweden
and sleeping really late, like at 5am or even later
and its not even due to jetlag anymore, I think.

Have just been pretty occupied with the computer, msn, updating my phone, reading etc

And hell, I forgot I was supposed to wake up really early tomorrow morning for RDA, and it’s the last week for this batch of kids!
Have a feeling I’m just gonna hit my alarm clock off in the morning
and go back to dreamland.
I feel quite bad, cause I’ve already missed the last 2 sessions, cause I wasn’t in Singapore. :\


Anyway, it is officially over.
It’s been a looong struggle
and I’ve finally realised and been fully convinced that it’s not worth it anymore.
I have no regrets, because I know I’ve tried my best and done everything I could for the entire 3 years.
So I’m walking away from the one who had hurt me more than protected me in the past year, with my head held high.
I know I deserve so much better
and I will be so much better without him.

:)

Flower in the Attic

That dream was to haunt me many a day, pleasantly. It gave me peace. It gave me knowledge I hadn’t had before. People never really died. They only went on to a better place, to wait a while for their loved ones to join them. And then once more they went back to the world, in the same way they had arrived the first time around.

Taken from Flowers in the Attic, by Virginia Andrews

Remember

How come it doesn’t feel like so long ago
that Dad proudly showed me his collection of US Olympic Coins of the Atlanta Centennial Olympic Games
and asked me to check if it’s valuable in the market?

It really feels so recent
But no, it must have been at least 4+ months back.

This incident suddenly popped into my head when I was just looking in his cupboard for a multi power adapter, and spotted the coins.

Without these little objects, I might never remember all these little incidences because they were so insignificant.
Yet I want to remember them as much as I can, because he deserves it.
That’s why I’m recording it here everytime I remember/dream something.
He was a great father, but I don’t think I’ve given him the credit he deserves while he was alive.

God saw you were getting tired
And it was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you
And whispered,''come to me''.
With tearful eyes we watched you
And saw you pass away,
Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating
Hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

I’m home!
Hungry & sleepy…
But I know I should resist sleeping otherwise I’m gonna worsen my jetlag.

Hmmm. Not sure if I can do that.

I dreamt of my dad again just now, when I was on the flight back, and I cried myself awake again.
Hahaha, but luckily I don’t think anyone noticed lah.

:\

Wishful thinking

Taken from www.postsecret.blogspot.com

Time for confession.

Since my dad passed away, I’ve always hoped that he might be secretly alive somewhere else.
Perhaps he’s tired of his life, and he found some place better.
Perhaps he wanted us to be independent.
Perhaps he is keeping up with our lives on facebook.

Because he looked so different after the op, I sometimes wonder if that was really him?
Maybe it was someone else who looked very much like him?

Yeah, I think I’m a bit psycho and in denial.
But I kinda consider that possibility and hope that he’s happy wherever he is now.

Dad, I’m doing great.
Just that… I really miss you.

Loss

Somehow, thoughts flow better when I'm not trying to put them down in words.

I'm thinking about loss.

Loss of the ones you love, or people who have once crossed paths with you and made a difference in your life.
Through death. Or through break ups.

It hurts when you know that this loss is eternal, and nothing can bring that person back.
When the best and only way to keep that person close to you are merely memories you shared.

Such is life.
You come with nothing, you leave with nothing.
Feels kinda meaningless to me.
At the end of the day, does it matter what you do with your life, or how happy you were, or how many friends or foes you made?
Does it?
Does it matter what religion you believe in or how much good you do?

You don't know when people might leave.
You don't know if you'll make it till tomorrow.
I guess at this point of this one way conversation, the most appropriate thing to say is "cherish your loved ones and shower them with love."

There's no conclusion to this entry.
Just thoughts deep down that will always remain a mystery.
Maybe until I truly become a believer.

Dropping by

To say hi!

It's my 5th day in Stockholm today
And I only finally managed to get my stockholm sim card to connect me to the www on the go a couple of hours ago, thanks to hui!
So now I'm updating this while I'm on the bus on my way out...

Heading to one of those factory outlet shopping areas today
I hope I don't spend too much!
I should be refraining or even banned from shopping because of the promise I made myself in shanghai
But honestly, I'm running out of places to visit!

Stockholm isn't exactly an exciting place to be
Not such an ideal vacation destination if you're looking for things to do
But it's nice if you just wanna relax and look at pretty buildings and streets...

And living standards here are really high a well.
It's comparable to England when i was there 4 years ago. Expensive!
So we mostly cook our meals at home.

Cooking is a pretty new experience for me and it's really fun! Hahaha...
So far I've tried to cook omelette with vege mushroom and onion, tortellini with white wine cream sauce, and fish & chips.
I took photos of them, but I don't know how to insert photos with this app, so that's just too bad.
Hui's a lot better though, but I think i just need more practice and trial & error.
So far so good, no stomach upset yet.

Ok that's all I have for now.
Be back in a week! :)

me & my iphone

I know! The design of the skin really doesn’t suit me
but I’m only using it because it came free, and I have yet bought a casing.

Birthday present? hehe :D

oh I am SO DREADING the transit in Doha…
I’ll be boarding at Changi Airport at 2.25am, arriving in Doha at 10am Singapore time, wait for 2 hrs 55 min to board my next flight, then arrive in Stockholm at 1.45pm Stockholm time, which is 7.45pm Singapore time.
Total travel time: 17 hours 20 minutes

And the return is worse, with 7 hrs 20 min of transit time at Doha. Damn it!

Am probably 70% packed and I’m feeling guilty for not doing anything about it for the whole afternoon now… Still have my chargers and toiletries and some other stuff that I’ll probably still need before leaving the house tonight.
I hope I don’t forget anything.

I’ll try not to miss Singapore too much.
Take care in Singapore, everybody :D