Backing up the files in my laptop.
And I found a folder of my Dad’s thumbdrive files…
Looking through his files, I don’t know what I’m hoping to find.
Maybe a note, or a letter.
Or just some piece of information, to know my Dad, a little better than I did.

Its been a year and a half.
But I guess these things don’t fade away.
I can still remember the events, so vividly. And the feelings, so intensely.
And him. So perfectly.

I remember the last him so well. His greyed hair, his belly, and his light-hearted laughter.
I remember the younger him, with his jet-black hair with just a few strands of silvers (which I excitedly plucked for him) and his jet-black moustache. He was the handsomest man I knew.

But somehow, I can’t seem to remember those days in between.
The days I was probably a bit of a rebel, plus things weren’t going too good at home, and he was probably keeping himself busy with work.

I really hate that I knew him so little, and I hate that I didn’t make his life happier than it could have been. And I know, he deserves SO. MUCH. MORE.

I found his resume, and his experience started way back, from 1977. I can’t help but think, so fucking what?

We work. We climb the corporate ladder. We try so hard to win. And then we get somewhere, or not. So fucking what? Did we slog so hard for 30 years just to get there, and in the meantime, drift away from loved ones? We spend a large part of our lives, learning how to win… But oh what we have lost. Time. Precious time. To learn about the people we love. To grow old together with your loved ones, and to watch your babies grow up.

I’m not blaming my Dad at all. I am certain, that we all had a part to play. And I am sure he tried, and he was the one who got the least of what he deserved amongst us.

I don’t know how to end this.

By the way, I got a tattoo. Of his name, on my back. Before I actually went to get it done, I told my best friends that I was gonna do it. They said, they don’t get it, as in, they don’t understand why people get tattoos. Why would you need to get a tattoo when he’s already in your heart?

I guess when someone you know you’ll love for your entire life is really gone, you just want to grasp every little thing that can possibly keep a part of him with you. Could be an item, a letter or a note, a photo. Something that helps you hold on to his spirit, forever. I thought a tattoo, is apt. But I guess, it will never be enough.

My life as it is, right now

Know what I really hate about my life right now?

I hate the monotony. The torture of dragging myself out of bed every morning at 8am. The daily realisation of not being passionate and not feeling the ownership about what I'm working for. The lack of time to have a better work-life balance without feeling like a zombie or feeling guilty.

I miss being jobless and answerable to nobody but myself. Being in control of my time and allowing things to wait till tomorrow. I miss all those late nights and knowing I can sleep in the next day.

Oh sigh. Is this what life is all about forever and ever?

Life

So much time have come and gone… Feelings have changed, people have moved on, babies have been born, and lives gone… Some people have distanced and faded from my live, and new people have entered…

Things that happened 3, 5 or 7 years ago, sometimes they feel just like yesterday. But when I think about it, wow, how much we have all been through! But how I’m still very much the same person, despite everything that’s happened. And I survived.

Yet why do I still feel like I’m still a baby to life? So much still to see and experience. To learn. Still feel like I’ve got so much to lose, and despite what my peers might think about me -- the one with a care-free soul, albeit a little too careless at times -- I do think I’m still too careful with life.

So afraid to step out. Out of my comfort zone, to unknown places. So afraid of being alone, or being hurt. Always believing that the stars are unattainable.

But I’m running out of time, am I not? The prime time of my life had unknowingly trudged passed me, and these days I’m often caught by surprised my peers are so well-settled in their jobs and on their way to their great big careers.

And I am still here. Back at zero. Well, almost.

I think I have finally found my calling though. And I think I finally know my path, and I can almost make out what’s lying ahead of me. Or rather, the path that I’m paving ahead, for myself.

So, here’s to me. Good luck and GO ME!

Almost a year

Visited Dad today.

And I wasn't expecting to be affected. But I choked. I cried. Even though she didn't.

I think what really gets me is hearing her talk to a photo as if it was him, as if he was standing right in front of us, like he never left. And being there just brings back the feelings from one year back.

And I can never forget that feeling. Nor the feeling I get from my relationship with my Papa. Indescribable, irreplaceable.

I love and miss you Papa. And I always will.