Backing up the files in my laptop.
And I found a folder of my Dad’s thumbdrive files…
Looking through his files, I don’t know what I’m hoping to find.
Maybe a note, or a letter.
Or just some piece of information, to know my Dad, a little better than I did.

Its been a year and a half.
But I guess these things don’t fade away.
I can still remember the events, so vividly. And the feelings, so intensely.
And him. So perfectly.

I remember the last him so well. His greyed hair, his belly, and his light-hearted laughter.
I remember the younger him, with his jet-black hair with just a few strands of silvers (which I excitedly plucked for him) and his jet-black moustache. He was the handsomest man I knew.

But somehow, I can’t seem to remember those days in between.
The days I was probably a bit of a rebel, plus things weren’t going too good at home, and he was probably keeping himself busy with work.

I really hate that I knew him so little, and I hate that I didn’t make his life happier than it could have been. And I know, he deserves SO. MUCH. MORE.

I found his resume, and his experience started way back, from 1977. I can’t help but think, so fucking what?

We work. We climb the corporate ladder. We try so hard to win. And then we get somewhere, or not. So fucking what? Did we slog so hard for 30 years just to get there, and in the meantime, drift away from loved ones? We spend a large part of our lives, learning how to win… But oh what we have lost. Time. Precious time. To learn about the people we love. To grow old together with your loved ones, and to watch your babies grow up.

I’m not blaming my Dad at all. I am certain, that we all had a part to play. And I am sure he tried, and he was the one who got the least of what he deserved amongst us.

I don’t know how to end this.

By the way, I got a tattoo. Of his name, on my back. Before I actually went to get it done, I told my best friends that I was gonna do it. They said, they don’t get it, as in, they don’t understand why people get tattoos. Why would you need to get a tattoo when he’s already in your heart?

I guess when someone you know you’ll love for your entire life is really gone, you just want to grasp every little thing that can possibly keep a part of him with you. Could be an item, a letter or a note, a photo. Something that helps you hold on to his spirit, forever. I thought a tattoo, is apt. But I guess, it will never be enough.