denial

It gets unbearable sometimes
And this feeling is becoming more and more apparent everyday.
I close my eyes and I see his smiling face
I open my eyes and realise its not just a nightmare
And I know I'll never get to see him again

I want to run away and leave this pain behind
But I'm scared to leave my memories of him behind as well
I'm beginning to think I'm incapable of healing
I can't take losing loved ones..
I really can't.

He's really gone. My father. Really gone forever.
Everyday when I get home i glance in his room, hoping to see him lying in bed, taking me back to reality.
But now its stacks of documents in his place... Now that's reality.

Funny how these vulnerabilities disappear in the day when I'm surrounded by people.
Funny how I crumble when I'm all alone and wish I had someone to hug me tight right then.

don't take for granted

Life is unpredictable and fragile.

I wish this entire episode is just a dream. Some drama or sick joke.

I still can't believe he's gone. He's not coming back. I miss my father. As little as we interact, there's this indescribable sense of comfort in the little "have you had dinner?"s and simply bumping into him downstairs, greeting him and his nod in acknowledgement. And even hearing his familiar snore next door, a sound I've giggled about since I was young.

Don't take for granted your loved ones will always be around. Don't take for granted that he'll be there to give your hand in marriage, and watch you form your own family. Don't take for granted he'll live till a ripe old age...

What I wouldn't give to see your face again

my papa

he’s gone to a better place
somewhere free from pain.

he will have the best afterlife
because he was really a great great man.
and i’m not just saying that because he’s my father. he really, really was.
everyone sang his praises.
not a single person would have anything negative to say about him, other than that he was way too generous and he talked too little back then.
and i’m so proud of him, so proud to be his daughter.

it was just way too sudden and unexpected
he was young and generally healthy
and you just don't expect these things to happen to yourself.

regrets i have a few
i had such a great man next to me all these while
but i never really got to know him
and i never spent enough time with him
nor have i taken any photos with him since i grew up
and i haven’t been the daughter that he deserved to have.

i could go on complaining
but i won't.

take heart in knowing that this has ended the best possible way.
everything was perfect, albeit in a morbid way
he didn’t suffer prolonged pain- it wasn’t an illness that put him on medication or kept him bedridden for months
but he hung on long enough for loved ones to see him one last time.
and he heard what he needed to hear to pass on worry-free.

papa…
thank you for everything
everything you’ve done for the past 3 decades were for us.
i’m so sorry i can’t take care of you like you did us
but i will try to live my life the way you would be proud of me too. 

i never did say it when you were around, but papa, i love you.
rest in peace.

:(

too much drama today.
i am not happy.
he’s not coming back. not tomorrow, not in a few weeks, nor in years.
i’ll never see him in his room again, nor downstairs just whiling time away.
i’ll never hear his voice again.
i’ll never sit in his car with him in the driver’s seat again.
which reminds me, i’ve never driven him around before.
i miss you papa.

it hurts

because he is such a great man, son, father & husband
because he has unfulfilled dreams
because he hasn’t started enjoying the fruits of his labour
because he was healthy and active
because it was from a simple slip and fall, totally unforeseen
because i might never get to see the healthy bubbly him ever again
because he is MY father. my papa.

please get well. please don’t suffer.

sleep sleep sleeeeeep!

guess what?

i went to sleep somemore.
this is why wen doesn’t like staying at home. i feel so useless and unaccomplished.
so my sleeping hours today are as below:

3am to 11am
11.30am to 3.30pm
5.30pm to 7.30

think i’m gonna get insomnia tonight :(

oh yay! i’m getting out of the house!

lethargy

slept so much today that i’ve got a headache and some weird achy feeling in my face.
just feeling lethargic overall
and i simply feel like just lazing in bed
despite having some things on my list to accomplish.

just not a great day, i guess.

cut ties with bloody idiots

i really think i’ve been the nicest i know how to be my entire life.

i’ve never hurt people intentionally
and i really try to give people the benefit of a doubt when their actions are hurtful, even if it’s done to me.
i choose to see things from other people’s shoes so that i understand the reason behind their actions.
i think before i act, to make sure my emotions don’t rule my actions, so that i don’t give people unfair treatment.
and when i realise i’ve done something i shouldn’t, i’m always tormented by my own guilt.
however angry i am at some people, i never give them a piece of my mind no matter how tempted i am.
i try to give them a chance to redeem themselves, with explanations or alternative course of actions.
and at the very end of it, i don’t even hope for karma. i just hope that one day, they realise their mistakes and learn and change for the better.

but why don’t i get even that bit of treatment in return?
it’s utterly frustrating.

and then it’s so easy to give up and give in and say ‘it doesn’t pay to be nice’.
but no, i’m not like that.
i won’t be like that.

i just wish such people would stop entering my life
and that the ones currently in it would vanish from it forever.
i really deserve better.

Things you didn’t know about working in Singapore

I learnt something new today, so should you!

• Clauses on signed contracts can be voided and be overwritten by those on the Employment Act
  
  
• You are eligible for OT pay as long as you are paid under $2500 a month, and/or your job scope is not rendered as an executive or managerial position (even if previously signed and agreed upon on your employment contract)
  
  
• Off days upon requests granted on goodwill from the company cannot equate to offs-in-lieu
  
  
• Employers need to have evidence against employees claims. Employees claims are accepted without the need for proof.
  
  
• Evidences of bad attitude at work does not warrant for an immediate termination under wilful insubordination

Enlightening, huh?

7 years of love, kyuhyun

Although I don’t know korean and I have no idea what he’s singing
this song mesmerises me, somehow.

something about the music, something about his voice.

Clients from Hell

I would like a picture of a businessman parachuting in through the window into a meeting, do you have that type of photograph?

Client: You see where you have a full stop at the end of the first sentence?
Me: Yes.
Client: Can you change it to a comma?
Me: Er, well I can, but you should put a full stop at the end of a sentence.
Client: Oh, that grammar stuff is very old fashioned.

Can you make it red, but not red, you know? And maybe try a primary color, like green.

Client: I want you to do a 3-minute animation for my website. It’s okay if it’s in Flash. How much is that?

Me: That depends, what did you have in mind exactly?

Client: Well, I don’t know. It depends on how much it costs.

Me: The price depends on how complex the designs are, if there is any level of interactivity, if I have to get licensed music, if there is voiceover, etc.

Client: I’m just asking how much 3 minutes of animation is. I don’t know what I want.

Me: Well, the most basic designs start at $3,000 and more complex designs are upwards of $20,000.

Client: WHAT? I thought it would be like $100. I told you, you can do it in Flash.

Me: That’s how much Flash animation costs.

Client: Bullshit. I know Flash does all the animation for you.

Client: We like the design, but could you make the blues all the same.

Me: It’s the same blue through out the design.

Client: It looks like different blues.

Me: That’s because colors are perceived differently dependent on neighboring colors.

Client: That’s stupid.

Visit http://clientsfromhell.tumblr.com/ for more.

happy new year

this comes late, because i couldn’t access blogger from shanghai
but here’s wishing everyone a happy new year!
2010 is gonna be fantastic. :)

shanghai photos and more coming up next
so watch this space.