And so he sent me an email
An email of gratitude and apologies for the past 3 years.

Maybe I shouldn't be feeling anything anymore
But I think my heart just broke a little reading it.

It's not that you still mean anything to me.
You don't.
It's that I've taken everything you say to NOT mean a thing that's sad.

Oh well. Read it twice over and deleted it.

KTV

Finally, after weeks and weeks of postponing, I finally went KTV!
But somebody was tired, so we left early.
Never sing until shiok leh!

Heh. 
I really like singing,
and I really wish I could sing.

Music is great :D

Memories

I think memories are important.

The things you see and the experiences you go through make you who you are
But sometimes, you can't put words to feelings you get from a certain moment and situation
or there's a delayed effect
Such that later on in life, you don't remember which was the incident that gave a certain element to your character, or your perspective on life or issues.
Or it might change a relationship.

And when you wanna fix something, sometimes, it might just boil down to that very moment
to undo all the damage, or to eliminate the what has gone bad beyond repair.

You know, somewhat like how Dumbledore was trying to get that memory out of Horace Slughorn.

I think you get my drift now.

Anyways, I finally got down to packing last week.
I know it’s always gonna be hard once it gets to one particular box, so I shall not get there just yet.
Cleared some stuff off my shelf and table
and this surfaced.

X gave this to me, for my 18th birthday, if I remember correctly.

For about a year, this sat proud on my shelf.
If I’m not wrong, this is the team that had 49 unbeaten games in the EPL.

I haven’t been following soccer, or Arsenal, closely for the past couple of years.
Partly because I’ve been rather busy, and partly because I don’t have people who’d watch soccer with me regularly anymore.
And sad to say, one last reason, though I’m ashamed to admit it, is that the team’s no longer the same. And the quality of the game is different.

I miss my favourite team.
It’s not only because they won every game, but because they had the drive to want to do it, to believe that they can do it. There’s always someone who would make the difference when the rest of the team were lucked out that day. Always.
And of course, the reason I fell for them. The way they played, the flair, the offensive football, the one-two passes, the through balls, the teamwork, the fast-flowing football. The beautiful goals.
I watched them with bated breath all the time, and almost every goal was beautiful.

I’m gonna rekindle my love for them now.
I shall put this up with pride in my new room when I move. Maybe make a couple of changes though.
Taylor. Gilberto. Wiltord. Henry. Campbell. Ljungberg. Bergkamp. Parlour. Vieira. Cole. Lauren. Pires.

Gilberto. One of the newest addition to the team then. He caught Wenger’s eyes during the 2002 World cup. And then he was our captain for a while.
Henry. An Arsenal legend without a doubt. Skillful, clever and brilliant player. He takes the game to a whole new level, gave the team confidence and was the one player that everyone believed Arsenal couldn’t do without.
Campbell. I’ve always felt that he was one of the few reliable defenders Arsenal had, so I was disappointed when he left. And then he came back, but then he left again. So, boo.
Ljungberg. He wasn’t bad on the field, but he definitely rocked in CK underwear. Hahaha!
Bergkamp, another legend. I’ll always remember that goal he scored against Newcastle.
Vieira. The captain that brought us glory. The playmaker and the pillar in the midfield.
Cole. Before he went to Chelsea and before we started calling him Cashley, I really did like him a lot as a left back. I love offensive play, and I love the way full backs are involved in the build up to the goals. He was great in speeding down the left flank with the ball, and IMO, Clichy hasn’t been as good as him.
Pires. Another goodlooking guy. Haha. Why didn’t he model any underwear too? Hahaha!

Alright, so here’s me decided.
I’m gonna fall in love with Arsenal all over again.
I’m gonna watch them every weekend, if I can.
Who’s with me!? :D

One year of fresh air

Life's been good.
And when life's good, I find that I hardly have anything to blog about.

Maybe good things are really not meant to be shared. Haha. According to me.

And so, it’s been almost a year since I quit my job.
A year of bumming around, lazing around, travelling around.

I really should have blogged about my holidays everywhere, but I didn’t.
Maybe I’ll summarize all my trips in photos someday soon, maybe before I get a full time job.
Have been spending my afternoons lazing in bed, and god knows what else. I really don’t really remember. Gosh. About time I started working my brains.

Yeah, I’m currently looking for a job. Perhaps something related to video production, or marketing.
Browsing through jobsdb makes me depressed and realise that its about time I should get serious about life, and really try to figure out what I wanna do for the rest of my life.
I can’t be earning $2k per month and I don’t wanna eat $3 hawker centre food every single day for the rest of my life, so that I can own a car, and perhaps a house.
Yup, so good luck to me and my little dreams. For now.

Not that I’m looking forward to being in a job though.
I’m enjoying my life now, really.
And when I get a job, I don’t know how much things will change.
So I’m kinda taking it easy, praying for more freelance jobs to keep me going.
Haha. Slacker.

Other updates, my brother has decided to move out.
So that leaves my mother and I to this penthouse.
So, we’re gonna be moving out too, to somewhere smaller.
Probably moving in December, and I am looking forward to it.
New room, fresh start.
To my life, to my relationship with my mother.
Am already starting to think about what to put in my room. Hehe. Can’t wait :D

Other news,
I cut my hair. Short.
I think it’s gonna stay short for some time.
And I think I might just dye it, just for the heck of it.
The last time I dyed my hair was 7 years ago.

I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy, currently at season 3.
Not bad, I’m enjoying it.
My favourite characters are Dr Bailey and George.
They’re so very cute and funny! :D

That’s all for now. Toodles!

Updates & random rants

Life IS a rollercoaster.

I think I really can't stand boredom.
Boredom makes me think too much.
I need to do something! I need to be on the go!
Otherwise I’ll just end up moody for no good reason :\

Supper with E a few nights ago.
I’m starting to think he’s a potential BFF.
No, wait, I thought that a few years back. So far, so good. :)
We’ve been friends for a decade now! WOW. We are getting old :(

Matters of the heart are a pain in the neck.
Can you stop a feeling?
Does it always have to go from good to gone?
Happily ever after… Is it possible? For me?
Nobody likes to be ‘just another’, right?
Who doesn’t wanna be special? Who doesn’t wanna be THE ONE for someone else?

The older we get, the more we go through, the less hopeful we are of finding perfection.

Whatever it is, I’m proud to say that my happiness no longer depends on anyone else
And I hope that it stays this way for a long long time.
I am happy now.

To love, or be loved.
I think I’d do it all over again.

Isn’t it so precious to find the right person for you?
And I thought I did.

But.

Revelation

I miss my dad.
Somehow the past few days saw me missing him more than ever
And I wish I had more time with him
I wish I had spent more time with him while he was alive
And if I could turn back time to just a couple of months before he passed away, I would spend so many more of my days with him, and have so many more dinners with him

All i want is just a month or two
But it's too late
And I regret
Really regret.

If you knew you had this much time left with your loved ones, what would you do?
Do it today.
Because you never know what's gonna happen.

Regrets are useless.
So instead of lamenting about what I would have done if I had more time with dad
I'm gonna make a difference while i still do with mom.

I will talk to my mother soon.

My birthday dream

I’m an idiot.

I spent the weeks before my birthday looking forward to this day
only because I’ve been hoping to dream of my Dad and talk to him.

After all, it’s my first birthday since he left us, and if he’s still somewhere, I believe he’d like to be here with me, at least for a while, or talk to me, or something, on my special day. Right? And it’d be the greatest gift ever for me, too.

I went to bed earlier than usual that night. I was excited.

I remember waking up several times throughout the night, realising that I have yet dreamt of him, so as quickly as I could, I fell back into deep slumber.

Then finally, it happened.

He looked young, he was in his early 30s. He told me his heart ached the most for me when he passed away, because he could hear my prayers for him, and how my heart ached for him as well. I couldn’t say a thing, but hugged him the tightest I could, and cried ‘Papa!! Papa…”

Then I woke up, sobbing! With tears streaming down my face!

Too fucking short!! I tried to go back to the same dream, but it was empty. That was all. :(

I had the whole afternoon to myself, and I spent it feeling upset with myself, and missing him more than ever. I tried to take an afternoon nap, but I couldn’t fall asleep and all I managed was tears on my pillow.

Why!? Why did I have to wake up so soon!? Was it really him? I tried to go back, but I really couldn’t! Was he waiting for me to return to that dream?

And why did I come up with this stupid wish, when whatever came true was perhaps just a figment of my imagination!? And how did I build up so much hope that it’ll turn out perfect, only to disappoint myself?

Sigh.

Money

Money can buy you a house, but it can’t buy you a home
Money can buy you a clock, but it can’t buy you time
Money can buy you a bed, but it can’t buy you sleep
Money can buy you books, but it can’t buy you wisdom
Money can buy you medicine, but it can’t buy you health
Money can buy you status, but it can’t buy you respect
Money can buy you blood, but it can’t buy you life
Money can buy you sex, but it can’t buy you love.

Received this in a chinese sms from Crystal.
Thought its a good reminder for all of us on this earth.
Money is power, but it’s not happiness.

Up too late

Oops

I think my bad sleeping habits are returning!
Have been waking up at almost 1pm since I returned from Sweden
and sleeping really late, like at 5am or even later
and its not even due to jetlag anymore, I think.

Have just been pretty occupied with the computer, msn, updating my phone, reading etc

And hell, I forgot I was supposed to wake up really early tomorrow morning for RDA, and it’s the last week for this batch of kids!
Have a feeling I’m just gonna hit my alarm clock off in the morning
and go back to dreamland.
I feel quite bad, cause I’ve already missed the last 2 sessions, cause I wasn’t in Singapore. :\


Anyway, it is officially over.
It’s been a looong struggle
and I’ve finally realised and been fully convinced that it’s not worth it anymore.
I have no regrets, because I know I’ve tried my best and done everything I could for the entire 3 years.
So I’m walking away from the one who had hurt me more than protected me in the past year, with my head held high.
I know I deserve so much better
and I will be so much better without him.

:)

Flower in the Attic

That dream was to haunt me many a day, pleasantly. It gave me peace. It gave me knowledge I hadn’t had before. People never really died. They only went on to a better place, to wait a while for their loved ones to join them. And then once more they went back to the world, in the same way they had arrived the first time around.

Taken from Flowers in the Attic, by Virginia Andrews

Remember

How come it doesn’t feel like so long ago
that Dad proudly showed me his collection of US Olympic Coins of the Atlanta Centennial Olympic Games
and asked me to check if it’s valuable in the market?

It really feels so recent
But no, it must have been at least 4+ months back.

This incident suddenly popped into my head when I was just looking in his cupboard for a multi power adapter, and spotted the coins.

Without these little objects, I might never remember all these little incidences because they were so insignificant.
Yet I want to remember them as much as I can, because he deserves it.
That’s why I’m recording it here everytime I remember/dream something.
He was a great father, but I don’t think I’ve given him the credit he deserves while he was alive.

God saw you were getting tired
And it was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you
And whispered,''come to me''.
With tearful eyes we watched you
And saw you pass away,
Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating
Hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

I’m home!
Hungry & sleepy…
But I know I should resist sleeping otherwise I’m gonna worsen my jetlag.

Hmmm. Not sure if I can do that.

I dreamt of my dad again just now, when I was on the flight back, and I cried myself awake again.
Hahaha, but luckily I don’t think anyone noticed lah.

:\

Wishful thinking

Taken from www.postsecret.blogspot.com

Time for confession.

Since my dad passed away, I’ve always hoped that he might be secretly alive somewhere else.
Perhaps he’s tired of his life, and he found some place better.
Perhaps he wanted us to be independent.
Perhaps he is keeping up with our lives on facebook.

Because he looked so different after the op, I sometimes wonder if that was really him?
Maybe it was someone else who looked very much like him?

Yeah, I think I’m a bit psycho and in denial.
But I kinda consider that possibility and hope that he’s happy wherever he is now.

Dad, I’m doing great.
Just that… I really miss you.

Loss

Somehow, thoughts flow better when I'm not trying to put them down in words.

I'm thinking about loss.

Loss of the ones you love, or people who have once crossed paths with you and made a difference in your life.
Through death. Or through break ups.

It hurts when you know that this loss is eternal, and nothing can bring that person back.
When the best and only way to keep that person close to you are merely memories you shared.

Such is life.
You come with nothing, you leave with nothing.
Feels kinda meaningless to me.
At the end of the day, does it matter what you do with your life, or how happy you were, or how many friends or foes you made?
Does it?
Does it matter what religion you believe in or how much good you do?

You don't know when people might leave.
You don't know if you'll make it till tomorrow.
I guess at this point of this one way conversation, the most appropriate thing to say is "cherish your loved ones and shower them with love."

There's no conclusion to this entry.
Just thoughts deep down that will always remain a mystery.
Maybe until I truly become a believer.

Dropping by

To say hi!

It's my 5th day in Stockholm today
And I only finally managed to get my stockholm sim card to connect me to the www on the go a couple of hours ago, thanks to hui!
So now I'm updating this while I'm on the bus on my way out...

Heading to one of those factory outlet shopping areas today
I hope I don't spend too much!
I should be refraining or even banned from shopping because of the promise I made myself in shanghai
But honestly, I'm running out of places to visit!

Stockholm isn't exactly an exciting place to be
Not such an ideal vacation destination if you're looking for things to do
But it's nice if you just wanna relax and look at pretty buildings and streets...

And living standards here are really high a well.
It's comparable to England when i was there 4 years ago. Expensive!
So we mostly cook our meals at home.

Cooking is a pretty new experience for me and it's really fun! Hahaha...
So far I've tried to cook omelette with vege mushroom and onion, tortellini with white wine cream sauce, and fish & chips.
I took photos of them, but I don't know how to insert photos with this app, so that's just too bad.
Hui's a lot better though, but I think i just need more practice and trial & error.
So far so good, no stomach upset yet.

Ok that's all I have for now.
Be back in a week! :)

me & my iphone

I know! The design of the skin really doesn’t suit me
but I’m only using it because it came free, and I have yet bought a casing.

Birthday present? hehe :D

oh I am SO DREADING the transit in Doha…
I’ll be boarding at Changi Airport at 2.25am, arriving in Doha at 10am Singapore time, wait for 2 hrs 55 min to board my next flight, then arrive in Stockholm at 1.45pm Stockholm time, which is 7.45pm Singapore time.
Total travel time: 17 hours 20 minutes

And the return is worse, with 7 hrs 20 min of transit time at Doha. Damn it!

Am probably 70% packed and I’m feeling guilty for not doing anything about it for the whole afternoon now… Still have my chargers and toiletries and some other stuff that I’ll probably still need before leaving the house tonight.
I hope I don’t forget anything.

I’ll try not to miss Singapore too much.
Take care in Singapore, everybody :D

iPhone

Yeah, it's finally my turn. Hahaha.

Testing out some apps. I realized that putting punctuations is kinda troublesome.

Wheee... I'm flying off tomorrow already!
Damn soon la. Excited :)
I hope there's free wi-fi in most places there.

Meanwhile, do recommend me some apps if you know of any awesome+free ones k?

:)

Ok I should sleep!

Count your blessings

I love my friends, I really do.
And I can feel that you guys really care and want the best for me.
I feel so loved!

Every single one of you is a blessing to me.
The 24th year of my life has been pretty rocky and horrid, and I think the amount of tears I shed in this one year is more than how much I cried my entire life.
But I have my lessons learnt, and I think I really grew.
I’ll start listing my blessings maybe tonight, because I’m about to head out for dinner.

<3

Time flies…

Every time the volume on my computer is a little louder than it should be, I remember the times when my brother used to tell me, ‘eh, softer. Dad’s sleeping.’

It doesn’t feel like that long ago, but it’s been more than 3 months…

Another!

I dreamt of him again!
But this time I don’t remember what it was about.

I just know I was sobbing when I woke up.

Oh. I don’t know if I like this or not.
Dreaming of him keeps him fresh in my mind
but it reminds me that he’s gone forever…

Another dream

We were out for dinner as a family, 4 of us
We had prawns and crabs, oh yum!

After the meal, Dad was driving home
Mom was in the passenger’s seat
Bro and I were in the backseat, and I was behind Dad

In my dream, I knew he’s gone
He’s just back for a meal with us
So I hugged him from the back
and I looked at him. His face. His hair.
He was just as I last saw him 3 months ago.
And I didn’t wanna look away, because I know I don’t have much time

Then he slowly faded away.

And I sobbed myself awake.

The Why’s of Men

Received this from Aunt BK…

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?  
they don't have enough time

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don't know.....it never happened

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

Funny Signs

Chicken or Eagle?

Once there was a chicken farmer who was an avid rock climber.

One day, climbing a particularly challenging rock face, he came upon a wide ledge.

On the ledge was a big nest and in the nest there were three large eggs.
Eagle eggs.

He knew it was very un-ecological, and definitely illegal, however temptation got the better of him and he discreetly put one of the eagle eggs in his rucksack.

Then he climbed down and went back to his ranch, and put the egg in the hen house.

That night the mother hen sat on the huge egg, the proudest chicken you've ever seen (and the cock seemed pretty pleased with himself as well!).

In the fullness of time the egg hatched and the baby eagling emerged. It looked around and saw the mother hen.

"Mama!" it squawked.

As time passed the eagle grew up with its brother and sister chicks. It learnt to do all the things that chickens do.

It clucked and cackled, it scratched in the dirt for worms, flapping its wings furiously, and flying a few feet into the air before crashing to earth in a pile of dust and feathers.

And believing above all things that it was totally a chicken.

Year after year passed, until one bright sunny day the eagle-who-thought-it-was-a-chicken, looked up into the sky.

High overhead, soaring majestically on the thermal currents, flying effortlessly with scarcely a beat of its powerful golden wings, was an eagle.

"What's that?" said the eagle-who-thought-it-was-a-chicken in awe to a farmyard neighbour.

"Its magnificent. So much power and grace. Poetry in motion."

"That's an eagle," said the chicken. "That's the King of the Birds. It's a bird of the air. However we, we're only chickens, we're birds of the earth."

And so it was, the eagle lived and died a chicken, because that's all it thought it was.

Now there are very few soaring eagles in this world.

Most people listen and look to other chickens and follow their lead.

You can never attain the great heights of success by having unsuccessful role-models. And following the mass can only end up in mediocrity.

blurry dream

he was just sitting there, smiling away
there was a butterfly, or was it a small flame, fluttering in front of his face
and he was blowing at it, simply enjoying himself.
he looked really happy.

then i woke up
and i was sobbing, my pillows were wet.

Unspoken thoughts

I was taking a late afternoon nap last Tuesday.
The sun has almost set by the time I got awoken by the unlocking of the doors on the 19^th storey.
Dad’s home. Oh wait, he’s not. It’s my brother.

-

It’s a regular Saturday night.
I got home after dinner, and I’m just using my laptop, as usual.
My mom and brother came home together today.
I continue using my computer.
Mother told me to drink soup, so I did.
When I was done, I decided to brush my teeth.
As I was making my way to the toilet, I glanced in my dad’s room and noticed that the lights were switched off.
He’s not home yet.

Clearing out my wardrobe

As well as my Dad’s.

Now I know where my genes of keeping silly things like empty plastic bags and nice brochures came from :p

And I found out he’s a great fan of Goldlion. 90% of his clothes are from there! And he already bought new year clothes for this year, from Goldlion as well. Still in it’s packaging. He should totally get a loyalty award from them.

I really do miss that man.

I was just filling out a job application form
and there’s a column for Family Particulars and Emergency Contact.

I can’t fill in Kua Chee Keong, Father, anymore.

Live like there’s no tomorrow

Recently, I contemplated heading to Taiwan to work. And then today, there’s news about the earthquake. So it’s probably not that great an idea. Perhaps the best thing to do is to stay put in boring but safe ol’ Singapore.

At times I just think, does it matter? Who doesn’t die? It’s just a matter of time. Even in Singapore, you might just get knocked down by a car, or something. Life is fragile, yes, but if you’ve to be so extremely cautious and ban yourself from doing what your heart desires, what does that make of your life? Did you live happily in those 80 years of your life? Or did you have 3 awesome decades without having regrets of not accomplishing things you’ve always wanted to do?

Do we have to limit our experiences only to ease our parents’ worry? It’s our life, isn’t it? Not theirs.

Why make plans, when plans fall apart anyway? When you don’t know if you’re even going to make it till tomorrow?

Hello from Taipei

Okay, so the past 10 hours has been pretty bearable.
Hopefully it stays this way.

It’s still a bit early for bed
and I’m glad there’s internet in this hotel, although really, there’s nothing much to do online.
But no such luxury after tomorrow :(
I’m so dreading the mountains :(

It’s colder than expected, approx 12 degree Celsius tonight.
JEALOUS?!
The last I checked, it’s supposed to be 20-26 degrees!
Ok, but it’s really so much more tolerable than Shanghai 2 months ago.

Had my first round of CHOU DOU FU already… YUM!!!!
More to come! :D

Wants to RUN! AWAY!

I’m beginning to seriously dread the Taiwan trip.
Having to face her every moment for 7 days, is seriously, ROARRR.

It’s Wednesday.
Visiting Dad again, and going down to the lawyers’ again.
I can’t even begin the grasp my own inner peace right now, and I’m sure I’m not gonna get any peace from her later.
SIGH.

Boo.
Perhaps I should runaway from all these tension and negative aura.
Put me on a jetplane and not have a care about what’s gonna happen.
But I can’t not care. I want answers to all these mess in my head.
Not that easy to cut ties with the ones who’re actually supposed to matter.

Lessons in Life

I’m feeling better.
I think it has sunk in.
There are definitely times that I suddenly have this overwhelming bout of emotions to lament over the same few things
and moments that I desperately wish that he didn’t go to the toilet alone and that he’s still alive and kicking…
But I’m slowly coming to accept it.

Through this, I learn.
I learnt to accept that accidents can happen to anyone at all, and nobody’s an exception.
I learnt that people can suddenly go, and you might not have a chance to say your last goodbyes.
And I learnt that you need to spend enough time with your loved ones, show them care and concern, so that you don’t have regrets if they, or even yourself, do leave suddenly someday.
I learnt that you can’t carry your money to your grave, so why not do good with the spare cash that you don’t need?

It’s funny how my dad’s life and character slowly unravels to me after he’s gone.
Stories I hear from my aunts, uncles and mother.
Things I never knew.
I knew so little about him, that every little thing I can touch now is so precious.

All along, I somehow felt that he’s a lonely father and husband, although I always knew that he’s a great one at that.
I took for granted that he wouldn’t disappear so young and I would still have time to make up for lost time at some point in my life.
Just not now, I thought.
Perhaps its the way we’ve been brought up, or perhaps its our characters, a trait that’s prominent in my dad, brother and myself.
I’m almost completely unable to express affection towards my family.

Through this, I also learn.
I refuse to go there with my own family in the future.
I want a happy, loving family.
Too bad, so sad, my kids won’t be able to meet their amazing grandpa.

Oh shit, why did I blog myself to tears again!?
Hahaha…

denial

It gets unbearable sometimes
And this feeling is becoming more and more apparent everyday.
I close my eyes and I see his smiling face
I open my eyes and realise its not just a nightmare
And I know I'll never get to see him again

I want to run away and leave this pain behind
But I'm scared to leave my memories of him behind as well
I'm beginning to think I'm incapable of healing
I can't take losing loved ones..
I really can't.

He's really gone. My father. Really gone forever.
Everyday when I get home i glance in his room, hoping to see him lying in bed, taking me back to reality.
But now its stacks of documents in his place... Now that's reality.

Funny how these vulnerabilities disappear in the day when I'm surrounded by people.
Funny how I crumble when I'm all alone and wish I had someone to hug me tight right then.

don't take for granted

Life is unpredictable and fragile.

I wish this entire episode is just a dream. Some drama or sick joke.

I still can't believe he's gone. He's not coming back. I miss my father. As little as we interact, there's this indescribable sense of comfort in the little "have you had dinner?"s and simply bumping into him downstairs, greeting him and his nod in acknowledgement. And even hearing his familiar snore next door, a sound I've giggled about since I was young.

Don't take for granted your loved ones will always be around. Don't take for granted that he'll be there to give your hand in marriage, and watch you form your own family. Don't take for granted he'll live till a ripe old age...

What I wouldn't give to see your face again

my papa

he’s gone to a better place
somewhere free from pain.

he will have the best afterlife
because he was really a great great man.
and i’m not just saying that because he’s my father. he really, really was.
everyone sang his praises.
not a single person would have anything negative to say about him, other than that he was way too generous and he talked too little back then.
and i’m so proud of him, so proud to be his daughter.

it was just way too sudden and unexpected
he was young and generally healthy
and you just don't expect these things to happen to yourself.

regrets i have a few
i had such a great man next to me all these while
but i never really got to know him
and i never spent enough time with him
nor have i taken any photos with him since i grew up
and i haven’t been the daughter that he deserved to have.

i could go on complaining
but i won't.

take heart in knowing that this has ended the best possible way.
everything was perfect, albeit in a morbid way
he didn’t suffer prolonged pain- it wasn’t an illness that put him on medication or kept him bedridden for months
but he hung on long enough for loved ones to see him one last time.
and he heard what he needed to hear to pass on worry-free.

papa…
thank you for everything
everything you’ve done for the past 3 decades were for us.
i’m so sorry i can’t take care of you like you did us
but i will try to live my life the way you would be proud of me too. 

i never did say it when you were around, but papa, i love you.
rest in peace.

:(

too much drama today.
i am not happy.
he’s not coming back. not tomorrow, not in a few weeks, nor in years.
i’ll never see him in his room again, nor downstairs just whiling time away.
i’ll never hear his voice again.
i’ll never sit in his car with him in the driver’s seat again.
which reminds me, i’ve never driven him around before.
i miss you papa.

it hurts

because he is such a great man, son, father & husband
because he has unfulfilled dreams
because he hasn’t started enjoying the fruits of his labour
because he was healthy and active
because it was from a simple slip and fall, totally unforeseen
because i might never get to see the healthy bubbly him ever again
because he is MY father. my papa.

please get well. please don’t suffer.

sleep sleep sleeeeeep!

guess what?

i went to sleep somemore.
this is why wen doesn’t like staying at home. i feel so useless and unaccomplished.
so my sleeping hours today are as below:

3am to 11am
11.30am to 3.30pm
5.30pm to 7.30

think i’m gonna get insomnia tonight :(

oh yay! i’m getting out of the house!

lethargy

slept so much today that i’ve got a headache and some weird achy feeling in my face.
just feeling lethargic overall
and i simply feel like just lazing in bed
despite having some things on my list to accomplish.

just not a great day, i guess.

cut ties with bloody idiots

i really think i’ve been the nicest i know how to be my entire life.

i’ve never hurt people intentionally
and i really try to give people the benefit of a doubt when their actions are hurtful, even if it’s done to me.
i choose to see things from other people’s shoes so that i understand the reason behind their actions.
i think before i act, to make sure my emotions don’t rule my actions, so that i don’t give people unfair treatment.
and when i realise i’ve done something i shouldn’t, i’m always tormented by my own guilt.
however angry i am at some people, i never give them a piece of my mind no matter how tempted i am.
i try to give them a chance to redeem themselves, with explanations or alternative course of actions.
and at the very end of it, i don’t even hope for karma. i just hope that one day, they realise their mistakes and learn and change for the better.

but why don’t i get even that bit of treatment in return?
it’s utterly frustrating.

and then it’s so easy to give up and give in and say ‘it doesn’t pay to be nice’.
but no, i’m not like that.
i won’t be like that.

i just wish such people would stop entering my life
and that the ones currently in it would vanish from it forever.
i really deserve better.

Things you didn’t know about working in Singapore

I learnt something new today, so should you!

• Clauses on signed contracts can be voided and be overwritten by those on the Employment Act
  
  
• You are eligible for OT pay as long as you are paid under $2500 a month, and/or your job scope is not rendered as an executive or managerial position (even if previously signed and agreed upon on your employment contract)
  
  
• Off days upon requests granted on goodwill from the company cannot equate to offs-in-lieu
  
  
• Employers need to have evidence against employees claims. Employees claims are accepted without the need for proof.
  
  
• Evidences of bad attitude at work does not warrant for an immediate termination under wilful insubordination

Enlightening, huh?

7 years of love, kyuhyun

Although I don’t know korean and I have no idea what he’s singing
this song mesmerises me, somehow.

something about the music, something about his voice.

Clients from Hell

I would like a picture of a businessman parachuting in through the window into a meeting, do you have that type of photograph?

Client: You see where you have a full stop at the end of the first sentence?
Me: Yes.
Client: Can you change it to a comma?
Me: Er, well I can, but you should put a full stop at the end of a sentence.
Client: Oh, that grammar stuff is very old fashioned.

Can you make it red, but not red, you know? And maybe try a primary color, like green.

Client: I want you to do a 3-minute animation for my website. It’s okay if it’s in Flash. How much is that?

Me: That depends, what did you have in mind exactly?

Client: Well, I don’t know. It depends on how much it costs.

Me: The price depends on how complex the designs are, if there is any level of interactivity, if I have to get licensed music, if there is voiceover, etc.

Client: I’m just asking how much 3 minutes of animation is. I don’t know what I want.

Me: Well, the most basic designs start at $3,000 and more complex designs are upwards of $20,000.

Client: WHAT? I thought it would be like $100. I told you, you can do it in Flash.

Me: That’s how much Flash animation costs.

Client: Bullshit. I know Flash does all the animation for you.

Client: We like the design, but could you make the blues all the same.

Me: It’s the same blue through out the design.

Client: It looks like different blues.

Me: That’s because colors are perceived differently dependent on neighboring colors.

Client: That’s stupid.

Visit http://clientsfromhell.tumblr.com/ for more.

happy new year

this comes late, because i couldn’t access blogger from shanghai
but here’s wishing everyone a happy new year!
2010 is gonna be fantastic. :)

shanghai photos and more coming up next
so watch this space.