Unspoken thoughts

I was taking a late afternoon nap last Tuesday.
The sun has almost set by the time I got awoken by the unlocking of the doors on the 19^th storey.
Dad’s home. Oh wait, he’s not. It’s my brother.

-

It’s a regular Saturday night.
I got home after dinner, and I’m just using my laptop, as usual.
My mom and brother came home together today.
I continue using my computer.
Mother told me to drink soup, so I did.
When I was done, I decided to brush my teeth.
As I was making my way to the toilet, I glanced in my dad’s room and noticed that the lights were switched off.
He’s not home yet.

Clearing out my wardrobe

As well as my Dad’s.

Now I know where my genes of keeping silly things like empty plastic bags and nice brochures came from :p

And I found out he’s a great fan of Goldlion. 90% of his clothes are from there! And he already bought new year clothes for this year, from Goldlion as well. Still in it’s packaging. He should totally get a loyalty award from them.

I really do miss that man.

I was just filling out a job application form
and there’s a column for Family Particulars and Emergency Contact.

I can’t fill in Kua Chee Keong, Father, anymore.

Live like there’s no tomorrow

Recently, I contemplated heading to Taiwan to work. And then today, there’s news about the earthquake. So it’s probably not that great an idea. Perhaps the best thing to do is to stay put in boring but safe ol’ Singapore.

At times I just think, does it matter? Who doesn’t die? It’s just a matter of time. Even in Singapore, you might just get knocked down by a car, or something. Life is fragile, yes, but if you’ve to be so extremely cautious and ban yourself from doing what your heart desires, what does that make of your life? Did you live happily in those 80 years of your life? Or did you have 3 awesome decades without having regrets of not accomplishing things you’ve always wanted to do?

Do we have to limit our experiences only to ease our parents’ worry? It’s our life, isn’t it? Not theirs.

Why make plans, when plans fall apart anyway? When you don’t know if you’re even going to make it till tomorrow?

Hello from Taipei

Okay, so the past 10 hours has been pretty bearable.
Hopefully it stays this way.

It’s still a bit early for bed
and I’m glad there’s internet in this hotel, although really, there’s nothing much to do online.
But no such luxury after tomorrow :(
I’m so dreading the mountains :(

It’s colder than expected, approx 12 degree Celsius tonight.
JEALOUS?!
The last I checked, it’s supposed to be 20-26 degrees!
Ok, but it’s really so much more tolerable than Shanghai 2 months ago.

Had my first round of CHOU DOU FU already… YUM!!!!
More to come! :D

Wants to RUN! AWAY!

I’m beginning to seriously dread the Taiwan trip.
Having to face her every moment for 7 days, is seriously, ROARRR.

It’s Wednesday.
Visiting Dad again, and going down to the lawyers’ again.
I can’t even begin the grasp my own inner peace right now, and I’m sure I’m not gonna get any peace from her later.
SIGH.

Boo.
Perhaps I should runaway from all these tension and negative aura.
Put me on a jetplane and not have a care about what’s gonna happen.
But I can’t not care. I want answers to all these mess in my head.
Not that easy to cut ties with the ones who’re actually supposed to matter.

Lessons in Life

I’m feeling better.
I think it has sunk in.
There are definitely times that I suddenly have this overwhelming bout of emotions to lament over the same few things
and moments that I desperately wish that he didn’t go to the toilet alone and that he’s still alive and kicking…
But I’m slowly coming to accept it.

Through this, I learn.
I learnt to accept that accidents can happen to anyone at all, and nobody’s an exception.
I learnt that people can suddenly go, and you might not have a chance to say your last goodbyes.
And I learnt that you need to spend enough time with your loved ones, show them care and concern, so that you don’t have regrets if they, or even yourself, do leave suddenly someday.
I learnt that you can’t carry your money to your grave, so why not do good with the spare cash that you don’t need?

It’s funny how my dad’s life and character slowly unravels to me after he’s gone.
Stories I hear from my aunts, uncles and mother.
Things I never knew.
I knew so little about him, that every little thing I can touch now is so precious.

All along, I somehow felt that he’s a lonely father and husband, although I always knew that he’s a great one at that.
I took for granted that he wouldn’t disappear so young and I would still have time to make up for lost time at some point in my life.
Just not now, I thought.
Perhaps its the way we’ve been brought up, or perhaps its our characters, a trait that’s prominent in my dad, brother and myself.
I’m almost completely unable to express affection towards my family.

Through this, I also learn.
I refuse to go there with my own family in the future.
I want a happy, loving family.
Too bad, so sad, my kids won’t be able to meet their amazing grandpa.

Oh shit, why did I blog myself to tears again!?
Hahaha…