Hello from Taipei

Okay, so the past 10 hours has been pretty bearable.
Hopefully it stays this way.

It’s still a bit early for bed
and I’m glad there’s internet in this hotel, although really, there’s nothing much to do online.
But no such luxury after tomorrow :(
I’m so dreading the mountains :(

It’s colder than expected, approx 12 degree Celsius tonight.
JEALOUS?!
The last I checked, it’s supposed to be 20-26 degrees!
Ok, but it’s really so much more tolerable than Shanghai 2 months ago.

Had my first round of CHOU DOU FU already… YUM!!!!
More to come! :D

Wants to RUN! AWAY!

I’m beginning to seriously dread the Taiwan trip.
Having to face her every moment for 7 days, is seriously, ROARRR.

It’s Wednesday.
Visiting Dad again, and going down to the lawyers’ again.
I can’t even begin the grasp my own inner peace right now, and I’m sure I’m not gonna get any peace from her later.
SIGH.

Boo.
Perhaps I should runaway from all these tension and negative aura.
Put me on a jetplane and not have a care about what’s gonna happen.
But I can’t not care. I want answers to all these mess in my head.
Not that easy to cut ties with the ones who’re actually supposed to matter.

Lessons in Life

I’m feeling better.
I think it has sunk in.
There are definitely times that I suddenly have this overwhelming bout of emotions to lament over the same few things
and moments that I desperately wish that he didn’t go to the toilet alone and that he’s still alive and kicking…
But I’m slowly coming to accept it.

Through this, I learn.
I learnt to accept that accidents can happen to anyone at all, and nobody’s an exception.
I learnt that people can suddenly go, and you might not have a chance to say your last goodbyes.
And I learnt that you need to spend enough time with your loved ones, show them care and concern, so that you don’t have regrets if they, or even yourself, do leave suddenly someday.
I learnt that you can’t carry your money to your grave, so why not do good with the spare cash that you don’t need?

It’s funny how my dad’s life and character slowly unravels to me after he’s gone.
Stories I hear from my aunts, uncles and mother.
Things I never knew.
I knew so little about him, that every little thing I can touch now is so precious.

All along, I somehow felt that he’s a lonely father and husband, although I always knew that he’s a great one at that.
I took for granted that he wouldn’t disappear so young and I would still have time to make up for lost time at some point in my life.
Just not now, I thought.
Perhaps its the way we’ve been brought up, or perhaps its our characters, a trait that’s prominent in my dad, brother and myself.
I’m almost completely unable to express affection towards my family.

Through this, I also learn.
I refuse to go there with my own family in the future.
I want a happy, loving family.
Too bad, so sad, my kids won’t be able to meet their amazing grandpa.

Oh shit, why did I blog myself to tears again!?
Hahaha…

denial

It gets unbearable sometimes
And this feeling is becoming more and more apparent everyday.
I close my eyes and I see his smiling face
I open my eyes and realise its not just a nightmare
And I know I'll never get to see him again

I want to run away and leave this pain behind
But I'm scared to leave my memories of him behind as well
I'm beginning to think I'm incapable of healing
I can't take losing loved ones..
I really can't.

He's really gone. My father. Really gone forever.
Everyday when I get home i glance in his room, hoping to see him lying in bed, taking me back to reality.
But now its stacks of documents in his place... Now that's reality.

Funny how these vulnerabilities disappear in the day when I'm surrounded by people.
Funny how I crumble when I'm all alone and wish I had someone to hug me tight right then.

don't take for granted

Life is unpredictable and fragile.

I wish this entire episode is just a dream. Some drama or sick joke.

I still can't believe he's gone. He's not coming back. I miss my father. As little as we interact, there's this indescribable sense of comfort in the little "have you had dinner?"s and simply bumping into him downstairs, greeting him and his nod in acknowledgement. And even hearing his familiar snore next door, a sound I've giggled about since I was young.

Don't take for granted your loved ones will always be around. Don't take for granted that he'll be there to give your hand in marriage, and watch you form your own family. Don't take for granted he'll live till a ripe old age...

What I wouldn't give to see your face again

my papa

he’s gone to a better place
somewhere free from pain.

he will have the best afterlife
because he was really a great great man.
and i’m not just saying that because he’s my father. he really, really was.
everyone sang his praises.
not a single person would have anything negative to say about him, other than that he was way too generous and he talked too little back then.
and i’m so proud of him, so proud to be his daughter.

it was just way too sudden and unexpected
he was young and generally healthy
and you just don't expect these things to happen to yourself.

regrets i have a few
i had such a great man next to me all these while
but i never really got to know him
and i never spent enough time with him
nor have i taken any photos with him since i grew up
and i haven’t been the daughter that he deserved to have.

i could go on complaining
but i won't.

take heart in knowing that this has ended the best possible way.
everything was perfect, albeit in a morbid way
he didn’t suffer prolonged pain- it wasn’t an illness that put him on medication or kept him bedridden for months
but he hung on long enough for loved ones to see him one last time.
and he heard what he needed to hear to pass on worry-free.

papa…
thank you for everything
everything you’ve done for the past 3 decades were for us.
i’m so sorry i can’t take care of you like you did us
but i will try to live my life the way you would be proud of me too. 

i never did say it when you were around, but papa, i love you.
rest in peace.

:(

too much drama today.
i am not happy.
he’s not coming back. not tomorrow, not in a few weeks, nor in years.
i’ll never see him in his room again, nor downstairs just whiling time away.
i’ll never hear his voice again.
i’ll never sit in his car with him in the driver’s seat again.
which reminds me, i’ve never driven him around before.
i miss you papa.